“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.”
—Albert Einstein
Main Points:
Troublesome toddler behaviors usually fall into one of four categories:
• worries and fears
• annoying attitudes and actions
• defiance
• aggressive and/or dangerous behavior
Putting Your Happiest Toddler Skills Into Action
Tears, fears, and the occasional tug-of-war are all par for the course when living with toddlers. But that doesn’t mean you’re powerless to make things better. On the contrary, this last chapter will help you use the whole doctor’s bag of Happiest Toddler tools and skills to solve almost any challenge your young child will throw at you. (Note: For a quick review, read a description of each Happiest Toddler skill in the “Key Terms and All-Star Tricks” section on Appendix B.)
Most of the problem behaviors parents have to deal with during these years fall into one of four main groups:
1. Worries and fears. Examples: separation worries, fears, abandonment issues when a new baby arrives.
2. Annoying attitudes and actions. Examples: dawdling, interrupting, whining.
3. Defiance. Examples: refusing medicine, fighting the car seat, picky eating.
4. Aggressive and/or dangerous behavior. Examples: attacks on other children (hitting, pinching, biting), running away.
Behavior Challenge #1: Worries and Fears
Some tykes meet new people and situations with bouncy confidence. They jump right in and away they go. But for other little kids, worries lurk around every corner. These easily rattled children often:
• have a shy, slow-to-warm-up temperament
• are stressed (hungry, tired, bored, sick, facing big challenges, etc.)
• had a really scary experience in the past
What can you do to help these kids overcome their fears? In a word: lots! Let’s look at a few examples….
Worried-Behavior Example: Separation Worries
When your little one begs you not to abandon her at preschool (or at the babysitter’s or at bedtime), it can be tough to handle. Sad eyes and clingy pleas really pull at the heart-strings!
Here’s how Mari uses the Fast-Food Rule and Toddler-ese to handle her son’s separation worries:
“When my two-year-old, Aidan, arrives at school he usually shrieks, ‘I want Mama!’ and he won’t exit the car. So I help him by narrating his feelings with a bit of intensity to hit his sweet spot: ‘No, Mama! No, no, no! No school! No teacher Chris! No teacher Cindy! No friends! I want Mama! No school!’
“By then, he usually starts calming, and I offer a compromise: ‘Okay, okay. No problem! But we have to tell teacher Chris that Aidan says, “No school today.” So let’s go. You carry teddy for me, okay?’
“At this point Aidan always leaves the car with me. Once inside school, we stop and play a little or chat with the teacher. Most days, he quickly gets involved in the buzz of activity and his friends and kisses me good-bye in just five or ten minutes!”
Mari’s words make Aidan feel accepted and safe. The little compromise she offers shows her respect and helps persuade him to exit the car and enter the school without a fight.
Luckily, Mari has the time to either wait with Aidan or take him home if he continues crying. But many other parents don’t have that luxury; they must leave their child in order to go to work. If that’s your situation, use a combination of some of the tools that have been described in earlier chapters and practice them first at home, so they’ll work better in a stressful situation.
Tools to Handle Separation Worries
Patience-Stretching. Practice the following three techniques for several days to help prepare your child for easier separations. Start with a few seconds and gradually increase to a minute. She’ll quickly learn that waiting is cool because when she’s patient she usually gets what she wants (see Teaching Patience: Patience-Stretching).
Fairy Tales. Prepare your child for what is to come by telling little stories in which Mommy goes away … but always comes back.
“Once upon a time there was a little birdie named Fluffy who worried when her mommy flew away to find breakfast. She said, ‘Don’t go, Mommy!’ But her mommy had to leave … for just a super-duper fast minute. So Fluffy waited and sang songs with her teddy bear until Mommy came back. Mommy always came back, and then Fluffy felt happy and safe. ‘Yea! Mommy’s home!’ the little birdie cheered, and her mom gave her lots of kisses … and some big juicy worms to eat.”
Loveys. Loveys are terrific for kids with separation issues. Encourage your tot to make friends with a lovey. If your older toddler hasn’t yet taken to one, offer a special charm (like a bracelet, magic coin, photo) that she can touch and look at whenever she misses you.
Now, after practicing these at home for several days, here’s how to use them to respond to your child’s protests at preschool. I call this combination of tools “Mommy Interruptus.”
Start by Connecting with Respect. Give hugs and echo your child’s concerns in a sincere voice with lots of repetition: “You say, ‘No! No, No!!! No school! No go, Mommy!’ ”
Once your tot calms a bit, give her a little time-in (play, read, or sit together as you describe what other kids are wearing and doing).
Next, Use Patience-Stretching and Loveys. After a few minutes, act like you suddenly remembered you have to do something: “Oh! Oh! Wait! Wait! Mommy has to see teacher. Wait! Wait!” Then say, “You hold teddy (or your magic bracelet) really hard, and Mommy will be right back!” Then walk quickly across the room and return in just two or three seconds, saying, “I know, sweetheart. You say, ‘Mommy, don’t go!’ But, good waiting! Good waiting! Come on, let’s play!”
If she’s protests, reflect her feelings by hitting her sweet spot with your face, tone, and gestures. Play a little more, until she is happy for a few minutes; then repeat the patience-stretching. For example, you might suddenly say, “Uh-oh! Pee-pee! Pee-pee! Mommy has to go pee-pee. Here, hug teddy, I’ll be right back.” Then leave the room for a quick three seconds.
Over the next fifteen minutes, repeat this process many times. (“Uh-oh! Mommy has to pee-pee again! Here, let me draw a funny face on your hand you can look at, and I’ll be right back.”) Gradually leave for longer periods (ten seconds, twenty seconds, thirty seconds, one minute).
Once your child can calmly handle several minutes without you, you can leave for good. But never sneak away! Give a big wave and cheerfully announce, “Bye-bye! I love you. I’ll see you after your nap. If you want me, just touch your magic bracelet (or look at the funny face I drew on your hand) and think of me giving you a big hug.” You might also mention something fun you’ll do together after school.
Finally, the Icing on the Cake: Praise +Gossip. When you pick her up at the end of the day, praise your tot’s success (give her a star or hand check). At home, gossip to Grandma or Daddy about her courage: “Darcy told me, ‘No, no. Don’t go …,’ but then she saw fun toys and some fun big girls and she was brave. She had a silly time and ate snack … a big cracker with juice! Then Mommy came back, and gave Darcy a big hug and we were happy!”
Note: Some strong-willed kids cry when you leave, despite all your preparation. If that happens with your tot, call the school twenty minutes after you leave her, and ask the teacher if she is still crying. If she reports, “She started playing happily two minutes after you left,” take a deep breath and congratulate yourself. (Fortunately, this is what happens nine times out of ten.)
However, if your child won’t stop crying after you leave, something else may be fueling her anxiety. If there are stresses at home (like a new baby, divorce, etc.), plan to stay at school all day, for a few days, to monitor the situation. If you can’t stay, try to pay some surprise visits to make sure the kids and teachers are treating her well. Keep using playing the boob, fairy tales, role-playing, patience-stretching, magic breathing, etc., to boost her self-confidence at home.
If the fussing continues, consider changing schools or sitters.
Worries at Different Ages and Stages
Young toddlers: Worries often increase around 18 months. A simple experience that was never a problem before, like meeting a new person, can suddenly snowball into panic: Who’s that man?!
Young toddlers focus on one thing at a time. So if your child is engrossed in play, she might not hear you leave the room and then get terrified when she looks around for you and you’re gone—Oh, no! Where’s Mommy!—even if you’re just in the bathroom.
Middle toddlers: Sameness and predictability help two-year-olds feel safe. For middle toddlers, unexpected disruptions in routine can trigger anxiety. For example, a child who’s fine every day when Daddy drops her off may cry and cling the day Dad is unavailable and Mom has to take her to day care.
Older toddlers: Your three-year-old’s growing skill with words will tend to lessen her anxiety. But you’re not out of the woods yet! A scary cartoon or experience can suddenly shift her imagination into high alert and push her over the line into panic.
Worried-Behavior Example: Sudden New Fears
Fear is a common problem for toddlers and often comes on without warning. Typical fears include monsters, snakes, spiders, attackers, the dark, and being abandoned, but your tot could develop a fear of almost anything—including clowns! (As a young child I was afraid of a closet in our laundry room where my parents kept a recording of Sleeping Beauty…. It had a scary witch’s voice on it.)
Stella, three, was smart and confident. So the day she spied an ant crawling up her leg, her hysterical crying came from out of the blue. Her mom, Fran, removed the tiny bug, reassured her daughter, and then they both promptly forgot the whole incident … or so it seemed.
The next day, however, Stella complained that she was afraid to sit in the grass because of the “buggies.” Fran persuaded her to play outside by tucking her pants into her socks to “protect her.” But that night things got worse. Once in bed, Stella cried out: “Go! Go! Mommy! M-O-M-M-Y!!!” Fran arrived seconds later and little Stella clung to her for dear life, sobbing, “Buggies, Mommy! BUGGIES!”
Fran turned on the lights to show Stella her bed was bug-free. “See, honey? No bugs! Everything’s okay. See? No buggies!” Stella slowly calmed and Fran left. But a minute later Stella burst into a panicked cry about “buggies” yet again. That night Stella slept in her parents’ bed, where she was calm and quiet the whole night.
Fears may pop up when a child is under stress, suffers a scary experience (an injury, earthquake, car accident), sees a scary cartoon, or hears something ordinary but misinterprets it as something frightening. (“At the picnic, the ants carried away everything!”)
Young toddlers (especially shy, cautious kids) often fear loud sounds like thunder, firecrackers, or barking dogs. Around age three, fear of “bad men,” monsters, and witches often develop.
One reason fears pop up at this age is because of a three-year-old’s new ability: comparing. Three-year-olds constantly compare themselves to the rest of the world. And, as you might imagine, the world can look pretty big and scary to them. Toddlers love puffing out their chests and announcing their supremacy over babies, but they often feel weak and vulnerable compared to big kids, big dogs, and big strangers.
Older toddlers also have fears because of something called projection. Many bigger tots still have the urge to bite and hit, but they know that their parents expect them to control these primitive impulses. So they transfer the urge from themselves and project it onto scary shadows, strangers, and assorted imaginary “meanies.” (“The monster took my toys … and tried to pinch me!”)
Note: Your reaction to your toddler’s fears may be deeply rooted in your past. If your childhood fears were pooh-poohed, you may tend to overprotect your frightened child and accidentally undermine her confidence. On the other hand, if your family made a big deal out of praising you for courage, you may see your tot’s fearfulness as a weakness that must be nipped in the bud.
I invite you to try to find a middle ground. Listen to your child’s fear without minimizing it or overreacting. During three decades of pediatrics, I’ve noticed that frightened kids calm fastest when their worries are respectfully acknowledged and when they’re encouraged to take baby steps to confront their fears.
Tools to Relieve Fears
First, show your child that you take her feelings seriously.
Connect with Respect. Toddler fears may start out small, but ignoring her fears will only make them grow. We know that ants aren’t a danger, but if you’re too fast to pooh-pooh your child’s fear it may make her feel more alone … and more scared, just when she needs your help. So before you try to dispel her worries, invest a minute of your time in using the Fast-Food Rule and Toddler-ese to show your little friend that you “get it” and you really care.
“Bugs! Bugs! Stella hates buggies! Stella hates buggies! She says, ‘Go away now, you buggies!’ ”
Routines. Bedtime fears are made better by some loveys (cuddly protectors that “stand in” for you when you’re in the next room) and special bedtime routines. Put on soothing music and dim the lights in your house an hour before bedtime to help keep your child in a calm state of mind. (Avoid roughhousing and TV during that golden hour.)
Fran gave Stella a bedtime massage (right after she did her magic breathing). Then Fran tucked her into bed and did a little bedtime sweet talk (listing great things she did that day and her fun plans for tomorrow). Then Fran kissed all Stella’s dollies good-night and ended the routine with a few squirts of “secret superspray” (water with a tiny bit of lavender oil in a small spray bottle with a smiley-face sticker) and a special song (“Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you, Stella. Stella is safe, safe, safe!”).
The first night, Stella was fine for five minutes, but then she came crying to her parents’ door. They listened and echoed her concerns (making sure they aimed for her sweet spot). Then Fran hugged her, walked her back to her room, and tucked her back into bed. Fran kissed the dollies good-night, sprayed the “secret superspray,” sang the special song again … and went out. And that was it for the night. The next night Stella slept beautifully.
Within five nights, Fran was able to start cutting back to her old, briefer bedtime routine. And you know what? A few weeks later, for Halloween, Stella begged Fran to go trick-or-treating dressed up as an ant!
Gossip. Let your child overhear you talking to her dollies about her fear. And use gossip to reward your tyke’s little acts of bravery; for example, petting a neighbor’s puppy or climbing up the slide. Each time she takes another baby step forward, gossip to her toys about her courage.
Win-Win Compromise. For toddlers, every day is filled with amazing, incredible sights! That’s why they strongly believe that almost anything’s possible. (Ghosts? Sure. Monsters? Of course! Your boss “exploded” at you today? Okay, but it sounds messy!) Using logic to deny a panicked child’s fears (“There are no monsters!”) is as doomed to failure as telling someone who fears flying that planes are safer than cars. The fear is very real in the imagination.
Here’s a better approach: Wait for the panic to subside a bit, then offer a win-win compromise that allows your tot to feel safe and enables you to calm her hysteria. For example, you might suggest: temporarily letting her sleep with you; allowing your dog to keep her company; getting a Mickey Mouse night-light, etc.
Fairy Tales and Role-Play. Use the “side door” of your child’s mind to help lessen her fears. Have her dollies “talk to each other” about the things that scare them … and how they calm themselves. Tell stories about nice doggies that lick your fingers and never bite and about mean doggies who have to go to time-out when they do something bad; role-play about dogs and encourage her to remind the puppy to be nice and not to bite.
To help her three-year-old, Myles, get over his fear of dogs, Maria would play “Puppy Pretend” with her little guy: “Honey, do you want to be the big dog with sharp teeth and scare me? Or do you want me to be the dog and you can be brave?” And at night she would put his cuddly dog doll right next to him in bed to keep the bad dogs away.
Magic Breathing. Calm breathing helps children learn how to keep panic under control. If you have an older toddler, I recommend you practice it every day … especially if she is anxious or fearful.
For example, if your child is upset about a dog, first connect with respect (“You say, ‘No, no, doggie … no!’ Say, ‘You go away, doggie! Go away!’ Wow, that doggie was a little scary, huh?”). Then, once she calms, do some magic breathing. This will help her complete her calming and feel some mastery over the fear.
Confidence Builders. Making your child feel big and strong can also help her overcome fears. Practice boosting her overall confidence (listen with respect, ask her opinion, play the boob) once or twice an hour. And take some specific steps to build her confidence about the thing she fears. For example, if she’s petrified by bugs, read books about bugs, cut bug pictures out of magazines to make a scrapbook, etc.
Fran found a library book to read to Stella showing that bugs lived in the dirt (not in kids’ beds) and that they ate leaves (“They think kids taste yucky! Phooey!”). The pictures showed how tiny a bug is and how big a kid is. And Stella loved for her mom to draw a picture of a bug on a piece of paper and then she would crumple it up and throw it in the trash as she demanded, “Bad bug! Go away! Don’t scare Stella!”
Using a bit of magic is another fun, confidence-building approach that really makes sense to a toddler’s immature brain. Here’s how some skillful parents magically soothed their toddlers’ fears:
“Molly says, ‘Go away, monsters! I don’t like you!’ But, honey, did you know that mommy monsters don’t let their little boy and girl monsters go out at night? Yup. They have to eat their dinners and go right to bed! But to be ‘double-triple’ sure, let’s do some secret magic to make 100 percent sure those monsters stay far, far away. ‘Abracadabra, alakazaam, monsters, go home.… Don’t come where I am!’ ” [Remember, “secret” and “magic” are two little words that make toddlers feel powerful.]
“Charlie, do you know what I just remembered? Dinosaurs hate the smell of garlic. They say, ‘Yucky … poop!’ Oh! And you know what? We are so lucky, because I saved the very best piece of superstrong garlic in the refrigerator. Yea! Let’s rub a tiny bit on a piece of paper and put it by the window. That will keep them away for sure!”
Tess, three, became terrified when the smoke alarm accidentally went off. To help her start regaining her confidence, her parents named it Fred and they taped a smiley face to it that Tess had drawn. Twice a day they all went to the alarm to say, “Good morning, Fred!” and “Good night, Fred!” and when Tess was eating her snack they said to Fred, “No way, Fred! No cookies for you. Cookies are for kids!” Within a few days, Tess’s worry had become just a distant memory.
More Magic Fear-Fighters
Older toddlers love magic and pretend too. Try the following and see how fast the bad things go away:
• Offer a protective charm: a special “magic bracelet,” a dreamcatcher (for bad dreams), a bedside photo of his protectors (like Mom and Dad or Superman), or, like Fran, a spray bottle of superspecial “magic water.”
• Pretend to put an invisible “magic space suit” on your little one each night. Patiently massage it on from head to toe so it will keep him safe once he’s in bed. Draw a picture of what he would look like in it … if he could see it.
Worried-Behavior Example: Struggles When a New Baby Arrives
Big changes are tough even on adults, so it’s to be expected that they give toddlers extra stress.
Stephen and Nicole’s three-year-old, Sam, always had trouble going to bed on his own. But after the birth of his sister, the nighttime stalling escalated dramatically! Nicole explained: “Now when I say ‘night-night’ he pleads for ‘one more book’ … ‘a glass of water’ … ‘a backrub.’ Last night he sobbed that he couldn’t stay alone because he could hear bad guys trying to get in the house!”
Tools to Handle Sibling Issues
Here are some easy ways to deal with the problem of sibling competition.
Connect with Respect. Worried kids dig in their heels, especially when they feel rushed. So, when your child is in the throes of anxiety, take a minute to appreciate his feelings with your best Fast-Food Rule +Toddler-ese.
Time-In. A new baby can make an older child feel “kicked off the throne.” They often feel like something important has been taken away from them … and it has. You can help your child deal with this loss by feeding his meter with many mini time-ins.
Now, more than ever, your older child will love praise. Catch him being good throughout the day and be generous with your praise … but not over the top (don’t overdo the jumping up and down and applauding). Use gossip, hand checks, and star charts to encourage the behaviors you like.
Play the Boob. This fun confidence builder helps little kids feel powerful. That’s helpful because having a new baby in the house makes toddlers feel that there’s a lot over which they have no control. Also, remind your child that the play you enjoy together is “big kid” play and little babies are too tiny and weak to do it.
Before the Baby Arrives
There’s a lot you can do to help your older child greet the new baby with love, not jealousy. For example:
• Don’t talk too much about the “baby in Mommy’s tummy” until two to three months before your due date.
• Give your tot a small doll so he can practice feeding, changing, and good hand washing.
• Let your older child overhear you gossiping to the baby inside you (and later, to the baby after birth) about his big sibling’s skills and brilliance: “Psst, little baby. I can’t wait until David teaches you how to pick up your toys. He can do it superspeedy!”
• Teach your tot patience-stretching and magic breathing so he can practice self-calming before the baby comes and your life gets crazy.
• Be very thoughtful about timing the start of other big changes. Toddlers who are moved from their cribs, made to give up their pacifiers, or put in new schools often feel a little stressed and vulnerable. And if it is done around the time of the new baby, they may even feel betrayed and angry at you and the baby.
If possible, avoid big changes starting three months before your due date and continuing until six months after the baby’s birth (unless your toddler is a very secure little guy).
• Buy a great toy that the new baby will “give” to his big brother and have some little toys that you can secretly hand to visitors to your home for them to give your older child for being such a great big brother.
Please set aside any guilty worries about your baby not receiving the same undivided attention from you that your first baby received. What your new baby doesn’t get from you, he’ll get five times over from his big brother or sister.
Routines. Special time and bedtime sweet talk are terrific ways to make your tot feel less jealous. (They’re only for “big kids” … no babies allowed!) I promise that if you do special time twice a day, this daily investment of ten to twenty minutes will eventually save you hours of nagging and complaints. (Toddlers love getting an occasional bonus special time for good cooperation, like going for ice cream!)
Magic Breathing. If your toddler can do it, practice magic breathing every day to help him practice keeping his primitive impulses under control.
Plant Seeds of Kindness. After 18 months, toddlers increasingly want to be good. That’s why the arrival of a new child is the perfect time to give lessons in kindness. Let the big sister (or brother) bring you a new diaper when you need one or unpack the grocery bags.
Replace negative comments (“Don’t be so rough!”) with positive ones. (“Baby loves being touched softly, like this. Hey, you’re good at that!” Later, gossip to Daddy about the good touching.)
Role-play to let your toddler vent any anger he might feel toward you or the new baby in an acceptable way or to give him a chance to regress a little. (“Do you want to be my baby for a bit? Come sit on my lap, you big strong baby, and you can hug me for a long, long while.”)
Behavior Challenge #2: Annoying Attitudes and Actions
As discussed, it’s your toddler’s job to test the limits, but some just don’t know when to quit.
When your toddler dawdles, interrupts, or whines, it can be like fingernails on a chalkboard; you just want it to stop. Many of us are tempted to try to force our toddlers to obey with shouts and threats. But often that backfires and makes things worse.
Fortunately, there are several effective ways to reduce annoying behaviors.
Chapter 6 covers the general approach for reducing yellow-light behaviors, but in this next section I’d like to focus on dawdling as an example to show how to curb any annoyance (including rudeness, interrupting, whining, back talk, potty mouth, and whatever else drives you bananas!).
Annoying-Behavior Example: Dawdling
Some tots are zippy, but others are slow as snails. Kids who dawdle (delay getting dressed, coming to the table, responding when called) fall into one of two groups:
1. Dreamers—absentminded kids who just get easily distracted.
2. Avoiders—kids who drag things out to avoid doing what’s being asked of them.
Tools to Deal with Dawdling
Connect with Respect. Toss out a few phrases of FFR and Toddler-ese to let your child know you can see his point of view (even if you disagree). Then, use a “you-I” sentence (see Give a “you-I” message.) to let him know how you feel. (“When you don’t come I get sad, sad, sad … because your breakfast gets cold.”)
Win-Win Compromise. Next, offer a little fun or a win-win compromise. For example, you might suggest a race: “I’ll count to ten and let’s see how fast you get your shoes on.” Or use a bit of reverse psychology.
When Jessica delayed and delayed putting her shoes on to prepare for day care, her mom turned toward her daughter’s imaginary friend “Nana Mouse” and cupped her hand next to her mouth and gossiped in a loud whisper: “Psst, hey … Nana Mouse. Mommy said to put on shoes … but Jessie is too little. Jessie cried, ‘Waaah, waah! I can’t do it!’ I guess she is too little to put on shoes all by herself.”
In seconds, a grinning Jessica would bounce up and slide into her shoes to prove Mom wrong!
Look for win-win compromises that allow you both to “save face.”
Samantha told her three-year-old, Billy, that it was time to leave the park, but her son said he had to fill one more bucket with sand. He then proceeded to put sand in it … one grain at a time! Growing impatient, Samantha offered a compromise and then something fun for Billy to look forward to. “You say, ‘No, no, no!’ You love the park and don’t want to leave. But Daddy is waiting. So let’s do this. You can put a little more sand in your pail before we leave. Should you take one more minute to put sand in, or two?” Billy quickly said, “Two!” To make it even more fun, Samantha played the boob a little to let Billy feel like an even bigger winner. She said “What!? Two minutes! No way! One is plenty. Okay, you win. You always win me. You can have two more minutes. Then as soon as we get home, we can play ball.… I bet I can throw the ball so fast you’ll never catch it! Is that a deal?”
Remember, when your child keeps his part of the compromise, always reward him with a tiny time-in (like a hug, some praise, gossip, a bit of play) or playing the boob.
However, if your child doesn’t cooperate (or if you have no time for respectful listening and little compromises), then it’s time for a mild consequence like clap-growl or kind ignoring.
Kind Ignoring. Since annoying acts are yellow-light behaviors (“I don’t like that.”) not red-light ones (“Stop now!”), they can usually be handled with just a little “cold shoulder.”
Here’s how you might put all these steps together for an annoying behavior, like whining:
“You really, really, really want a cookie. But that whiny voice hurts my ears. So Mommy has to go away for a second. But as soon as you use your ‘happy’ voice, I’ll come right back and you can tell me what you want.”
Then turn your back and pretend to be busy doing something on the other side of the room (don’t look back). Ignore any increase in whining, but as soon as your little friend uses his nice voice, reward him by immediately returning and offering a cheerful comment: “That’s the voice my ears like!” Then you can choose what to offer: 1) a cookie, 2) a cookie, only after he picks up his toys, 3) respectful sympathy but no more cookies for now.
If, however, the kind ignoring doesn’t work and the annoying behaviors cross the line into unbearable, that’s when you need to count to three and use a “take-control” consequence like time-out or giving a fine.
Bernadette was having a pokey morning and wouldn’t get dressed for the park … even though she loved playing outside. So her dad, Alvin, said, “Get dressed before the dinger rings or we won’t have time to play in the park.” Then he turned his back for a few seconds to see what she would do next.
Had she started getting dressed, he would have praised her and helped her along. But instead she continued to dawdle. So Alvin decided to play the boob. He pretended to “help” her get dressed, but kept making silly mistakes like trying to put her pants on over her head and saying in a boastful, boobish way, “Yes! Yes! That’s how they go! I’m sure of it … right?”
Unfortunately, she dug in her heels and just refused to put on her clothes. So Alvin decided to give Bernadette a fine for dawdling too long. “You really, really don’t want to get dressed. Okay. No problem,” he stated matter-of-factly, “but then, no park today … maybe tomorrow.” And with that he turned his back and left.
Five minutes later Bernadette announced she was ready to go, and Alvin calmly replied, “I know you love the park, but you waited sooo long today, there is no time.” Bernadette had a meltdown and cried, and Alvin lovingly acknowledged her disappointment and offered her some juice. When she pouted and refused, he did a minute of kind ignoring and she stopped her complaints.
The next day, when her dad offered to take her to the park, he suggested a little “getting dressed” race: “I bet you can’t get dressed by the time I count to ten!” And she got dressed superfast. “Wow!” he exclaimed. “You got dressed as fast as a jet plane … zoooom!”
Put Annoying Behaviors “On Hold”
A great way to stop your child from becoming a “professional whiner” is to put his behavior “on hold.” Just to remind you, this is when you almost give your child what he’s begging for; then at the last moment you turn and pretend you suddenly have to do something else for a minute. Please reread Put Annoying Behavior “On Hold” … with Patience-Stretching.… This one is worth its weight in gold!
Simple Steps to Prevent Annoying Behavior
Even better than stopping nagging and whining is preventing them. You can do this by using the same approach recommended for preventing tantrums (see How to Eliminate Most Tantrums … Before They Even Start!):
1) Avoid problem situations.
2) Connect with respect … all day long.
3) Feed the meter.
4) Teach patience-stretching and magic breathing.
The Old Switcheroo: Getting Tots to Take Their Medicine
Lots of children resist taking their medicine. And trying to force them to swallow it down can lead to power struggles, wasted medicine, and a stressed-out family.
But here’s one little technique that really gets the job done for older toddlers … even though it’s a tiny bit sneaky and involves giving a smidge of soda. Here’s what you do:
Before giving your toddler his medicine, pour about an ounce of decaffeinated, dark-colored soda (like root beer) into each of two small glasses. Next, mix a dose of medicine into one of the glasses. (You can also try dark grape juice, but a strong-flavored, fizzy soda works best to hide bitterness.)
Now call your toddler, and while he watches put his medicine in a spoon and say, “Take this, sweetie, then you can have a little soda. Some soda for you and some for me.” If he willingly takes his medicine give him the plain soda … and a pat on the back. (A little later, gossip to his teddy about how he swallowed down all of his medicine and made you happy.)
If your child refuses the medicine, repeat your offer: “Take this really fast, sweetheart, then you can have your yummy soda.” Play the boob by begging a little (ham it up): “Please take it. P-l-e-a-s-e!!!” If he refuses again, pout and say, “Okay, you win! You always win! I never get to win! Here’s your soda,” but hand him the glass that’s mixed with the medicine. Your toddler will guzzle the soda—and medicine—fast. He’ll be in such a hurry to drink it down before you change your mind, he’ll never realize he’s been hoodwinked!
Don’t gloat or say, “Gotcha!” when it’s over. That may make your little one feel tricked and cause him to refuse the soda when the next dose is due. After the soda/medicine combo is taken, show your child that you’re pouring the spoon of medicine back into the bottle and set him free again.
Behavior Challenge #3: Defiance
All little kids defy their parents from time to time. Sometimes it’s because the thrill of doing something “forbidden” is irresistible, or it’s payback for being stopped from doing something he wanted to do earlier in the day, or perhaps he has just forgotten the rule. But regardless of the reason, defiance can push our buttons like nothing else. We get mad, then our emotional elevator drops down, down, down to a primitive state of anger. Too often, we get sucked in so fast we just react … and then overreact.
Note: To help put a stop to this process before you react explosively, it’s a good idea for you to practice magic breathing! When you have a calm moment, sit comfortably, relax your face, and take a few deep breaths—slow in and slow out—to help you practice staying in control of your emotions.
The Silver Lining of Your Little Tot’s Defiance
Think of defiance as a sign of courage … the ability to stand up for oneself. It was gutsy of our ancient ancestors to fight off wild animals with just rocks and sticks, and it’s gutsy for toddlers to resist parents who are five times their size!
Of course, I’m not saying we should encourage defiance. But I do believe the goal is to get our headstrong toddlers to join the team … not to break their spirits.
A little defiance is normal, but repeated disrespect must be stopped. Now here’s the tricky part: Trying to squash your child’s defiance with a display of anger often boomerangs. (Think of it as trying to intimidate a member of a motorcycle gang!) Rather than meekly giving in, your macho (or macha) little friend may actually yell right in your face and refuse to back down.
Tools to Prevent Defiance
In a moment, I’ll talk about stopping defiance. But first, here are some simple steps to prevent it before it happens.
Feed the Meter. Throughout a normal, happy day, offer your child dozens of little time-ins (like attention, praise, gossip, and hand checks), fun routines (like special time), and confidence builders (like offering options and playing the boob) to make him feel like a winner. These steps build the loving bond and magically help our kids become more cooperative and less defiant.
Practice Patience-Stretching and Magic Breathing. When you teach your child self-control you’ll make it easier for him to avoid conflict—with you or anyone else.
Plant Seeds of Kindness. Practice by role-playing, by telling homespun fairy tales with messages about life lessons regarding right and wrong, and by catching others being good.
Tools to Stop Defiance
You will be most successful teaching your children respect, fairness, and calmness when you model them yourself, during times of conflict.
So when you’re caught in a toddler rebellion, use your ambassadorial skills to help you turn conflict into cooperation. Here’s how:
Connect with Respect. Use a few phrases to show you understand and care.
Let Your Child “Save Face.” To help both you and your toddler save face, try offering options, inventing little competitions (making a game out of what you are requesting, like having a race), or suggesting a win-win compromise:
Offer Options
Three-year-old Selma hates getting dressed in the morning, so her mother has learned how to offer her options that yield the desired result: “Selma, you really, really don’t want to get dressed. You love just playing with your toys. I’m so, so sorry, but Mommy has to leave very soon, so here’s your choice: You can dress yourself or I can take you to the store in your pajamas (even though you might get cold). Which one sounds best, get dressed or be in your cold pajamas?”
Play (Make it a game)
Sofia wasn’t a big eater, so her mother, Agapi, wanted her daughter to at least drink some milk to take in a little protein and calcium. This was usually a big struggle. One day Agapi’s sister suggested she sidestep the conflict by making it into a little race. Agapi decided to give it a try.
The next day, when Agapi put the milk in front of her strong-willed two-year-old, she said, “I’ll count to five and see if you can finish your milk.” Sofia smiled and drank half and Agapi encouraged her to drink down a little more. “Wow! You drank that superfast! I’ll count to five again and see if you can finish it all … but please save one little drop for me. Pleease! Okay? On your mark … get set … go!” Sophia drank it all, not even leaving a drop. To keep up the fun, Agapi added a bit of playing the boob and in a pretend whine said, “No fair! You drank MY milk too!” Sofia flashed her a grin a mile wide.
Win-Win Compromise
Four-year-old Ben loved the park and ignored his mom’s calls to stop playing. So she knelt down next to him and acknowledged his feelings:
“You are having so much fun! You love, love the park! You don’t even want to come when I call. You just want to play, play, play!”
Then, when Ben looked up, his mom saw it was now her turn to give a message and she offered a win-win compromise: “But we have to go make some yummy dinner, sweetheart. So here’s your choice: We can leave now and play football at home, or you can play here for two more minutes. Your choice, sweetheart, fun football at home or two minutes here?”
If defiance continues, it’s time for a consequence:
Mild Consequence. For mild defiance, do a clap-growl or connect with respect plus kind ignoring.
Arianna found herself constantly having to nag three-year-old Morgan to get ready for school. When she learned The Happiest Toddler approach, she decided to give it a try. The next time her daughter refused to put on her shoes, Arianna responded by connecting with respect and then adding a little kind ignoring: “You say, ‘No, no, no! No shoes!’ I know you don’t want to put them on, honey, but you know what no shoes means: no play outside. So Mommy will be right back to see if you’re ready for your shoes. And then we can also eat your crunchy cereal.”
Arianna turned her back for twenty seconds and pretended to be straightening up some papers at the other end of the room. She then returned and repeated, “Come on, sweetheart. Let’s put on shoes so you can eat your crunchies and play!” Morgan protested, “No, I want my crunchies now!”
Then her mom did a very smart thing. Rather than getting into a fight, she tried the technique of putting her “on hold” (see Put Annoying Behavior “On Hold” … with Patience-Stretching). Arianna said, “Okay, honey, you win. Here are your crunchies.” But just as she was putting the cereal on the table she abruptly stopped and said, “Wait! Wait! I almost forgot. Where are your shoes, you silly goose? Superquick, get your shoes … then let’s have some yummy crunchies!” And she turned and again pretended to be busy for twenty seconds.
Arianna ignored Morgan as she protested, “I want my crunchies.” And then, with a big pout on her face, she suddenly got up and brought her shoes to her mom to be put on. Arianna immediately rewarded her daughter’s cooperation with an enthusiastic cheer and by offering her an option of cereal bowls: “Yea! Good job! Now, would you like your crunchies in the dinosaur bowl or in the blue cup?”
“Take-Charge” Consequence. For serious disrespect, do a clap-growl (to show your displeasure) and then use a time-out or give a fine.
Remember, your child is leaving you no choice but to give a consequence. “You are forcing me to give you a time-out.” After the time-out, don’t immediately talk about her defiance. Wait until later that day to gossip about how her actions made you unhappy or role-play about it with her dolls.
Defiant-Behavior Example: Resisting the Car Seat
At 15 months, Henry began to squirm and fuss when Patrice went to buckle him into the car seat. “You have to have the harness on; it’s important to keep you safe,” his mom would explain. But Henry just fought and wriggled. Patrice said, “Some days, belting him in is like wrestling a greased pig!”
Young toddlers hate being confined. They often resist getting in car seats, sitting still on the bus, putting on party clothes, etc. You can try to reason them out of their resistance, but what if your loving logic just doesn’t work?
Tools to Prevent Car-Seat Fights
Here are a few ways to prevent car-seat conflicts before they happen:
Practice. Put the car seat in the living room and have him sit in it while you give him a minute of time-in (snack, read, etc.). Once he accepts the car seat at home, start going for very short rides (just around the block). Reward his cooperation with a time-in. Soon your tyke will learn that car seats are no big deal. Don’t forget to gossip about his cooperation (to his stuffed animals, Grandma, or anybody). Paste photos of your child happily sitting in his car seat into a little book (“My Car Seat” scrapbook) and view it with him at bedtime to remind him of the fun things he does when he’s in his car seat.
Catch Others Being Good. Point out when you see other kids in their car seats. Cut pictures of happy kids sitting in their car seats from magazines and add them to the scrapbook. Let your child overhear you gossip about the car-seat cooperation of kids he knows.
Fairy Tales. For older car-seat resisters, making up stories about giving in will plant the seed of cooperation and may help you prevent the conflict from ever occurring:
Charlie the Crab hated to be in the car seat … but he loved swimming with the other crabs at the clear, blue lake. He was sooo crabby. “No seat! No seat!” he’d cry over and over! But one day his friend Finny the Fish told him, “Hey, Charlie, when I was little I didn’t like car seats, but now my mom sings songs with me and we sing the whole way to the lake. It’s fun! What’s your favorite song? Let’s sing it now!”
Role-Play. Play with his dolls and his car seat. Have one doll be the child who resists the seat and another doll be the mommy who says, “I know you hate it, little dolly. You say, ‘No, no, no! ’ But let’s have some fun and make it your fun seat! We can sing a silly song or read a book … your choice.”
Tools to End a Car-Seat Fight
If the struggle has already begun, try this:
Connect with Respect. Even when you have to enforce a rule, remember to show your respect:
At least twice a week, Christianne’s 29-month-old firecracker, Aurora, would erupt into screaming in the middle of a car ride. Christianne couldn’t stop, but she tried her best to let her little one know she really got her message. “ ‘No, no, no!’ You say, ‘No car, Mommy. No, no, no!!’ ” She would vigorously wave one arm, wag her finger and say, “You hate it, hate it! You say, ‘No, no, no!’ ”
When you find yourself in this situation, repeatedly echo your child’s feelings and aim for his sweet spot. It may not stop his crying, but it will make him feel understood and respected, and it will help him recover faster once you get home. (Wait until a quiet time, much later, to give your lecture about the dangers of cars and why car seats are smart to use.)
Win-Win Compromise. Offer a win-win compromise to show respect and gain cooperation.
Three-year-old Baron often complained that his car seat was “too tight.” But his dad used his love of music to find a compromise. “I’m so sorry, Baron, but Daddy has to put you in the seat. I know you really, really hate it, very much! But wait, wait! I have a very important question. Do you want me to put on your Silly Songs music before you sit in the seat or after?”
Gossip. After you get back home, let your child overhear you gossiping about his struggles and successes.
“Psst! Hey, Elmo! Moses didn’t like his car seat at first and started to cry. But then we started to sing the Happy Birthday song and he got happy and became a super-duper car-seat sitter! I’m gonna tell Daddy what a good job he did!”
Defiant-Behavior Example: Picky Eating
“Dr. Karp, I swear he lives on air. He eats one cracker and that’s it for the day!”
—Shana, mom of two-year-old Danny
Feeding, feeding, feeding has been your big job for a long, long time. We all feel like good parents when our kids clean their plates.
Yet many toddlers tenaciously refuse any food other than crackers, macaroni and cheese, and buttered bread. Don’t take this fussiness personally; it’s just a normal part of the rigidity so common to the toddler years. Take some time to read a book or check with your doctor to learn the amount of nutrients your child really needs, and track his food intake over a week or two to see if he is getting enough. Most kids require less than we think.
Four Reasons Toddlers Become Food Refuseniks
• They’re not hungry. Shortly after the first birthday a toddler’s weight gain suddenly slows down. And by 18 to 24 months, many toddlers become “grazing animals,” preferring many snacks a day to regular meals.
• Mealtime means more than food. To your toddler, a meal is as much play, or a science experiment, as it is a time to eat.
• They hate green. It’s smart to like red and avoid green. Red signals what’s ripe, sweet, and safe to eat. Green foods are often bitter or unripe. (Even with lollipops—toddlers pick red over green almost every time!)
• “Temperamental” taste buds. Some kids are just born supersensitive. They hate rough clothes, loud noises, and strong flavors.
Tools to Handle Picky Eaters
Smart parents avoid battles they can’t win. So rather than trying to force your child to eat something he doesn’t want, sidestep the conflict by hiding it in the food he likes or finding a win-win compromise.
Connect with Respect. Narrate your child’s strong desire not to eat so she knows you understand.
Catch Others Being Good. Point out what kids have on their plates when you visit restaurants. Invite older kids to your house to eat a meal. Toddlers love imitating others, especially slightly older kids.
Win-Win Compromise. Compete to see who can chomp down the “little trees” (broccoli) the fastest. Offer choices (“Should I give you three peas or two?”) and suggest a win-win compromise (“Eat a green bean and you can have another French fry. Eat two more green beans and you can have all five of these French fries!”). If your toddler drives a hard bargain and eats only one tiny nibble of the bean, you should still give her a piece of the French fry because that’s definitely a baby step in the right direction.
Reverse Psychology. When your toddler reaches for a piece of broccoli, at first let her have only a tiny piece. Say, “No way! Mommy wants them ALL.… They’re Mommy’s trees.” When your tot gobbles up her piece, make a silly pout and say, “Hey, you ate my broccoli!!”
When two-year-old Celia refused to eat, Mark and Karen pretended to try to sneak bits of food off her plate as though they were greedy and wanted all her food for themselves.
“We appeal to her basic sense of ‘It’s mine!’ ” says Mark. “It works about half the time, but a 50-50 success rate ain’t so bad.”
Putting Bad Behavior “On Hold.” Lips still zipped? If your child still won’t eat, let her leave the table. However, if she returns for a little milk or sweets, you might put her “on hold” by doing something like this:
Begin to hand her the milk, then suddenly stop and offer her a smidge of dinner first. “You want milky? Okay, sweet-heart, here’s your milk. Oops, silly Mommy! Mommy forgot, big girls have to eat one green bean before milky! Do you want to eat this big one or this little teeny, tiny, baby bean?”
If she refuses, say, “No problem, my love. But no beans … no milky.” Then say, “I’ll check on you in just a sec to see if you’re ready for your bean.” Now turn and busy yourself with something for thirty seconds. Then turn back and whisper, “I know you don’t like beans sooooooo much. So should we find a teeny, tiny one or would you rather just eat a half of one?”
As soon as she eats her bean, reward her with a smile, milk, and a little time-in. This will encourage faster cooperation in the future.
Be a Master of Disguise
Okay, the following may sound like you are being a spy more than an ambassador, but here are my favorite tricks for getting nutrients and veggies past your toddler’s lips:
• Appeal to her “sour tooth.” Cut vegetables into French fry–size strips, cook them, then marinate them overnight in pickle juice or Italian dressing.
• Blend veggies into a soup.
• Blend and bake veggies into batter bread. Use a recipe for zucchini bread, but use pureed broccoli in place of zucchini and double the amount the recipe calls for.
• Make yam chips by baking or broiling them in an oven with a little salt and butter.
• Dip lightly steamed veggies into ranch or creamy Italian dressing.
• Grind zucchini or carrots and put them into pancakes and serve them with syrup.
• Serve fresh carrot or carrot/apple juice.
• Iron is important for blood, muscle, and brain growth. You can add a lot of iron to your child’s diet just by cooking in a cast-iron pot or skillet. Add lemon juice or vinegar and the acid will really help bring the iron out of the metal and into the food.
• Your toddler needs 12 mg. of iron a day. Iron-rich foods include black beans (1 cup has 8 mg.), liver (4 oz. has 7.9 mg.), lentils (1 cup has 6.6 mg.), beef (4 oz. has 3.6 mg.), blackstrap molasses (1 tablespoon has 3.5 mg.), raisins (8 oz. has 3.2 mg.), prune juice (8 oz. has 3 mg.), or cooked greens (1/2 cup of mustard greens, dandelion greens, or collards has 2.6 mg.). Squeeze a little lemon juice over iron-rich foods—you’ll increase iron absorption severalfold. (But dark grape juice cuts iron absorption by over 50 percent.)
• Your toddler needs 700 to 1,000 mg. of calcium each day. Some powerhouse sources of calcium that are easy to sneak into your toddler’s diet include skim milk powder, which is easy to mix into foods (2 oz. contains 400 mg.); blackstrap molasses (1 tablespoon has 290 mg.); sesame seed butter (tahini), sold in health-food stores (2 oz. has 270 mg.); yogurt (8 oz. has 270 mg.); grated Parmesan (2 oz. has 260 mg.); and broccoli (1 stalk has 160 mg.). And you can give your child a further calcium boost simply by letting her play outside! Just fifteen to thirty minutes of sunlight a day will help her body make vitamin D, which is essential for her to fully benefit from the calcium in her diet. (Don’t forget to put on the sunscreen if your toddler is going to be out in the sun for more than thirty minutes.)
Behavior Challenge #4: Aggressive and/or Dangerous Behavior 
Up until now in this chapter we’ve been talking about dealing with yellow-light behaviors. But, this last group of parental challenges is made up of red-light behaviors. You get to go first (“Stop now!”) when your tot’s acts are violent or dangerous. These acts demand immediate action. Once the behavior has stopped, then you can spend a minute reflecting his feelings.
The kids who are most aggressive are those who:
• have spirited, high-energy temperaments
• are extra impulsive and distractible
• are under extra stress
• don’t speak well
• are bored, cooped up, lonely, or stressed
If your tot is a wild child, there’s a lot you can do to prevent his repeated acts of aggression. As mentioned earlier, you’ll be able to dramatically reduce the fighting and cut the number of time-outs simply by boosting your child’s time-ins!
However, when it’s too late to prevent a problem, then it’s time for you to jump in with some clear and consistent consequences.
Dangerous-Behavior Example: Sibling Aggression
Twins Caleb and Elijah, 24 months old, were playing nicely at the sandbox in the park two blocks from their apartment. Suddenly, Caleb decided he wanted the sand-sifter Elijah was using. He reached for it, but Elijah quickly yanked it away. In retaliation, Caleb whacked his brother’s head with his shovel … and Elijah promptly whacked him right back!
In a flash, their father, Alan, clapped and growled, scooped them up, and carried them out of the park. Once home, he immediately put them both in time-out.
Your toddler’s veneer of civilization is so thin it doesn’t take much to propel him back to his primitive nature: hitting, poking, pinching, whacking, biting. (More about biting in the next section.) And, having two little cave-kids to supervise can make you feel more like a boxing referee than a parent.
Tools to Handle Sibling Fights
Here are two straightforward ways to get control:
Connect with Respect. Upset toddlers are usually the most emotional people in the room and that’s why we generally acknowledge their feelings before we give our message. But in red-light situations, we get to go first. “Stop! No hit! No hit! We don’t hit people.” Only after the danger or aggression stops do we use the Fast-Food Rule and Toddler-ese to narrate our toddler’s anger or frustration.
“Take-Charge” Consequence. When your kids are fighting, it may be obvious to you which one deserves a time-out. But if you’re not sure who the chief culprit is, it’s often best to discipline both kids. I know that may seem a little unfair, but here’s why it can be the right thing to do: First, it’s often hard to know who the victim really is (sometimes, the munchkin you thought was innocent actually provoked the fight by teasing or taunting), and second, it teaches that regardless of who started the fight, they both have responsibility for having continued it.
Later in the day, use your other tools (like gossip, role-play, fairy tales, catching others being good, etc.) to encourage anything positive about the fight (like stopping when you said “Stop!”) and to discourage what you disliked (like biting or using hurtful words).
Kids who get into lots of fights may need more time to run around outside. They often benefit from attending nursery school to keep them busy and out of mischief.
When to Step Back … and Let Your Kids Solve It
You don’t necessarily have to intervene in every slugfest your kids have. Small struggles help kids learn to stand up for themselves and be courageous. Besides, sooner or later, you will want your kids to learn to settle their differences on their own.
So as long as the fight is a yellow-light situation, not a red-light one (that is, it involves bickering and bellowing, but not bleeding), let the kids struggle a bit before you intervene. When you enter the room, use the Fast-Food Rule and Toddler-ese to show you understand that they’re both upset and that you really care. Then excuse yourself and give them another minute to work it out. (Of course, if the fighting spins out of control—physically or verbally—it’s time to step in and hand out some consequences.)
Dangerous-Behavior Example: Biting
Biting is a common behavior for primitive cave-kids. They typically chomp during teething or when frustrated. But if this behavior is not discouraged, promptly and powerfully, it can turn into a dangerous habit (like biting other kids’ faces or biting babies).
Just as Monica finished tying her 16-month-old’s shoe, he bit her shoulder—hard! “Owww! ” Monica yelped. Then, struggling to compose herself, she scolded him lovingly, mildly, “Please, Lukie! That’s not nice. Mommy doesn’t like biting.”
Do you think Lucas stopped? Nope! In fact, he soon began biting whenever he got mad.
Tools to Deal with Biting
Here’s how to stop this dangerous behavior fast:
Consequences. If the chomper bites before you can stop him, he needs a consequence. With a young toddler, start with a mild consequence.
Clap-Growl. In the example above, Monica’s message, “Mommy doesn’t like biting,” failed to work because it was way too sweet. Remember, in emotional situations, what you say is much less important than the way you say it. Be firm and wear a serious expression to match.
If you happen to see your tot open his mouth right as he’s about to nip, give some fast, hard claps, make a deep, menacing growl, do a double take (see this page), and with a warning finger held up, bark, “Hey … hey!! No bite. No bite!!”
Don’t stare at your child after the warning. Staring may make a defiant kid disobey even more!
Kind Ignoring. Immediately remove your little biter from the situation. Give him a “cold shoulder” for twenty to thirty seconds and lavish some sympathy on the child who was nipped. (Let the biter overhear you gossip to his victim, “I say, ‘No, no, no! ’ I don’t like it when Lukie bites. Kids have to use their words when they’re mad. I like it when kids who are really angry say, ‘No, no! I don’t like it!’ ”) After a minute or two of kind ignoring, reengage your child with a little friendly talking or play.
Later in the day, gossip to his teddy bear about how you don’t like biting. Role-play the incident and ask your child what the “biter” could do to make the bitten doll feel better. You might also tell a fairy tale. Perhaps a little story about the girl bunny who was sad because she would bite so much that the other bunnies didn’t want to play with her. So her mommy taught her a special trick: Every time she wanted to bite, she should show her teeth and click them together three times … but never bite. The other little bunnies thought this was funny and then they all wanted to play with her! This made her smile and she lived happily ever after. The end!
“Take-Charge” Consequence. Children who bite hard or are “repeat offenders” get an immediate consequence, like a mini time-out (see this page), time-out, or a fine.
Dangerous-Behavior Example: Running Away from You
One last dangerous behavior you may have to deal with is when your child darts away from you in a crowded mall or parking lot. Obviously, running away in public is totally unacceptable and must be stopped immediately.
Tools to Stop Children Who Run Away
In red-light situations, there is just no time to respectfully acknowledge your child’s feelings. When there’s a danger or your child is breaking an important family rule … you get to go first!
Clap-Growl. Give a loud clap and growl then demand, “No! Stop! Now! ” You may have to raise your voice, or you may be able to get his attention with a stern voice and frown. (If your child doesn’t stop immediately and you have to run after him, keep a serious face so he doesn’t confuse this with a game of chase.)
Connect with Respect. Once your child is safe, then it’s his turn to have his feelings validated:
“You wanted the ball. You said, ‘Kick ball!’ You ran, ran, ran … but nooo! No street, no! Cars! Cars hurt kids! Ouch!”
If your child tries to run away again, it’s time for an immediate consequence. (See Time-Out: Real-Life Questions for a way to give a time-out when you are away from home.)