Empathy is one of the key ingredients that will ensure the wellbeing of your blended family. No matter how rude or obnoxious your step-child might be, or how unreasonable your partner is being, each of us has the right to be loved unconditionally and to have others take care of us when we need help. Empathy is putting yourself in another person’s shoes, and learning to accept that person’s feelings as valid emotions. Feelings may sometimes be based on unrealistic thoughts, but they are real, nevertheless.
Think about a recent event which left you angry or resentful. Write it down here.
Now tell the story from the other person’s perspective, ensuring that you describe that person’s thoughts and feelings without any judgement.
Ask yourself what the other person’s needs were in that particular circumstance (seemingly selfish or unreasonable, or not). Would they have felt loved and accepted and cared for?
Think of a way in which you can validate the other person’s feelings without necessarily accepting their behaviour.
How can you express your unconditional acceptance of the other person? How can you meet their needs?
‘I tried to understand how difficult it was for the children when I moved in, but it felt like they had no understanding of how hard it was for me to try and fit into their family. After a big fight one day, my wife pointed out to me that I had never told her that, so how was she supposed to guess? It was very awkward, but we all sat down together and I told her kids how I was feeling. They were actually very sweet about it, and they told me that although they don’t much like sharing their Mom, it was nice to have me around. For the first time, I felt like they might like me.’ Carl, recently married to Mona.
What are your needs in the family? How do you like to be loved and cared for? How do you know when you are appreciated? Do they know?
For the blended family to work together successfully, members of the family need to form attachments with each other. There is likely to be a history involved in which one or more of the members of your family have developed a level of insecurity due to broken or damaged attachments. This means that you, your partner’s or your children’s ability to trust has been compromised, and may get in the way of your developing healthy and loving connections.
Consistency, loving respect and gentle reminders that even though there may be problems, they can be fixed, will help to restore trust and heal the vulnerability. Don’t be surprised if you meet with resistance when attempting to build the relationship with your step-child. It will take time to heal damaged expectations and create enough safety for trust to develop.
‘The other day, we were planning my step-daughter’s twenty-first birthday. I asked her why it took her so long to like me, and she told me she was afraid that, if she loved me, I might go away, like her own mother had. It broke my heart to hear that, and I was so thankful that I hadn’t given up on her.’ Jess, step-mother for 15 years.
Certain circumstances – such as if your child is at risk of neglect, or physical, sexual or emotional abuse – may dictate that you need to protect your child from the co-parent. But apart from these circumstances, to deny the very real value of your child’s or step-child’s co-parent is to deny the child an opportunity to be loved. Your task as a parent or step-parent is to encourage and support the relationship between your child and their co-parent.
This does not mean you have to be friends with the co-parent, or even that you have to agree with different rules and disciplining styles. It is more about respect and keeping your own boundaries.
‘A friend, whose children live with their father part-time, uses the ‘broken record’ technique: ‘I know your mother lets you watch “No under 18” movies, but we don’t watch them here.’
‘I know your mother gives you more pocket money, but in this house each child gets a set amount.’
‘I know your mother doesn’t make you tidy your room, but in this house, we do’.
‘Ha-ha. It works!’ This quote, I confess again, is mine!
Speaking badly of your child’s co-parent leaves your child in a position of having to choose sides. As we have seen, this is the most difficult challenge for children who do not live with both parents. Your behaviour can literally leave them feeling torn in two. You are essentially dumping your own frustrations onto your child to deal with. Flexibility and tact are two key qualities that you will find essential for maintaining a polite relationship.
Neutral statements and non-judgement of differing opinions between you and the co-parent, as well as acknowledging how difficult it must be for your child to be presented with two different opinions, will go a long way towards keeping the space as stress-free as possible for your child.
In many ways, the success of a blended family can be attributed to the successful negotiation of an ongoing relationship between the biological parents of the children.
Research has shown that if a family manages to make it through the first two years, they stand a better chance of succeeding. However, it can take five to seven years for a family to bond together, especially if the children are older.
This does not mean that progress can’t be made, though. All families pass through various stages in their development. Blended families may have to pass through a number of stages at the same time, since the children and parents are likely to be at different stages of development themselves. For example, there may be a large age gap between your children, or you may have thought that nappies were a thing of the past, only to find yourself contemplating having a baby with your new partner.
Research has yielded several models of the stages of development that one finds in blended families. Many of these models illustrate how successful families move from beginning phases through an adjustment phase, and finally to a resolution phase. This is not a smooth process, though, and families may move ahead in some areas and fall back or even find themselves in wholesale retreat in others.
Robinson (2012), in her research into factors that cause resilience in the children of step-families, has summarised the extensive research done by Ganong and Coleman, et al (2012), regarding the stages of development of a step-family.
The first phase is Fantasy, where, based on past experiences, the new partners’ often-unrealistic expectations fuel the dream of a better or easier family life. The challenges of this stage have been explored in Chapters 1, 2 and 3. In the second phase, Immersion, it emerges that the fantasy does not match reality. Confusing feelings and communication problems may lead to divisions in the blended family. Some of the problems common to this stage are discussed in Chapters 4, 5 and 6.
If families are able to begin communicating in a way that allows everyone’s feelings to be heard, the next phase, Awareness, can be reached. Needs and wants are communicated more effectively and understood. During this stage, the family establishes working rules, and sets out realistic roles and responsibilities for all members. These have been explored in Chapter 7.
In the Mobilisation stage, the family structure begins to change from being demarcated along biological lines. This is often a time of conflict, even if trivial, as each member of the family defines their own boundaries. This applies particularly to the step-parent, who may struggle to gain entry into the biologically-defined grouping, while the biological groups may fight to hold their boundaries. More often than not, this is the stage when new blended families break apart, but successful passage through this challenging time helps the new family become a team that functions efficiently, and enables step-parents and children deal with each other more directly than before.
Middle ground can be reached during the Action stage, when the members of the family begin to develop shared experiences, values and co-operation. Whilst some original family boundaries stay in place, the blended family structure begins to change. Decision-making is shared and new traditions and rituals are introduced. Step-siblings begin to relate to each other separately from their parents, and form their own sub-systems or bonds. We explored the development of traditions and rituals in Chapter 8.
The Solidifying stages of creating a blended family begin with contact, during which the family becomes a supportive safe haven for all members. By now, the step-parent is accepted as having an important role within the family and authentic relationships are created with step-children.
As the family moves into the Resolution stage, the blended family has established its own clearly defined sense of identity and history, which is not unduly threatened by problems or challenges. The parents are not threatened by biological relationships to the children, and together they have formed a solid and supportive bond. The importance of this stage is highlighted in Chapter 9.
Are you able to identify where your family may be in terms of the stages of blending? Remember that it is normal to move ahead, or slip back again at times of difficulty.
Sometimes it may feel as if you are back at the beginning stages! Chapter 10, which deals with conflict resolution, is perhaps where you may need to focus to ensure that any issues that have interrupted your progress as a family do no lasting harm.
It can be tempting to place all the blame for the issues your family may be dealing with on the complexity of blending the family. Bear in mind that the ex-partner is not the cause of all your problems. All your challenges would not go away if the ‘difficult’ child would simply do as he was told.
The stresses on the family are not only about the comings-and-goings of step-children. The answer is not about being accepted by your step-daughter. Breaking this family apart is not the way to solve your teenager’s rebelliousness.
The mantras we repeat to ourselves, perhaps under our breath, may be a way to avoid dealing with the multitude of challenging issues which can be managed one at a time.
As a blended family, you can expect to deal with all the normal developmental challenges one finds in any family. As individuals, we grow and develop in relation to the people and the world around us. This growth can be expected to present us with difficulties in our relationships as we learn to find ways to express our independent selves in the context of other family members finding theirs.
Toddlers will have tantrums. A pre-schooler will refuse to go to school. The pre-teen will have problems finding friends. The teenager will break curfew and come home smelling of alcohol.
The two of you as parents will disagree, as do any couple. The mother will question decisions she has made. The father will feel trapped by his career choice. It is not only the children who may be moving through developmental phases.
By normalising the stresses and difficulties you may be facing within the context of the life issues that every family faces, it may be a little easier to work towards the solution without remaining stuck in blaming mantras that do little else but destroy your chances of success as a blending family.