Eight-Week Bible Study: A Journey to Igniting Intimacy
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DEAR COUPLE,

Do you want to ignite the flame of passion in your marriage? If so, this study is for you. It can be life-changing, as demonstrated by the following comments from couples who field-tested this study for us:

“We had the best talk about sex we’ve ever had in our thirty years of marriage.” —John and Valorie

“Homework is something we look forward to!” —Ron and D. J.

“For the first time in our lives, we are truly understanding and applying God’s perspective of intimacy.” —Brian and Pam

Before we begin the first lesson, we wanted to answer a few questions you may be asking.

HOW IS THIS STUDY SET UP?

We’ve designed the study to fit an eight-week format. Each Bible-study session covers two chapters in Intimacy Ignited and has corresponding study questions and exercises. However, you can easily adjust the material for a shorter or longer time period to better suit your needs. The reading and application will take from one and a half to two hours a week. The more time, prayer, and discussion you put into the study, the more you will benefit.

IS THE STUDY DESIGNED FOR A COUPLE OR A GROUP?

Both. The Bible-study questions are designed for group use. The sections called “Private: For Couples Only” contain discussion questions designed just for the two of you and should not be part of what you share with the group.

WHAT DO I NEED FOR THE STUDY?

A teachable heart, a Bible, a copy of Intimacy Ignited, a pen, and a notebook in which to write your responses to the questions.

HOW DOES A GROUP TALK ABOUT SEX TOGETHER?

Very sensitively and with discretion. The facilitators of your study will help your group establish ground rules that all participants will agree on. When sexual intimacy is presented and discussed within the context of God’s Word and under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, it becomes holy and sanctified.

Here are a few guidelines for a group doing this study:

May God richly bless you and transform your marriage.

Jody and Linda Dillow • Peter and Lorraine Pintus

Lesson One

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This week read:

Introduction: Sex at Its Best

Chapter 1: Where Did All the Passion Go?

Chapter 2: Give Permission for Passion

INTRODUCTION: SEX AT ITS BEST

  1. 1. Write a paragraph describing God’s perspective of sex. Save this —you’ll compare it with a paragraph you’ll write near the end of this study, after you have spent much time in God’s Word learning things that may impact your current viewpoint.
  2. 2. Read the Song of Solomon prayerfully and thoughtfully.
  3. a. List any questions or observations you have about the Song and what it says about sex in marriage.
  4. b. Does what you read in the Song differ from what you were taught growing up? If so, how?

CHAPTER 1: WHERE DID ALL THE PASSION GO?

  1. 3. Are you willing to say to God, “I want to be teachable; I desire to ignite intimacy in my marriage”? If so, write a prayer expressing this.

CHAPTER 2: GIVE PERMISSION FOR PASSION

  1. 4. Read Ephesians 5:31. Write answers to the following questions:
  2. a. How would you describe the meanings of leave, cleave, and one flesh?
  3. b. In Ephesians 5:31, we learn a great mystery: Sexual intimacy with your mate is a picture of your spiritual intimacy with Christ. How does this insight influence your perspective of intimacy?
  4. c. How does this help you give yourself permission for passion?
  5. 5. Read Proverbs 5:15-19. Also read the paraphrase of verse 19 on page 13. Write a paragraph expressing how this passage encourages you to give yourself permission for passion.
  6. 6. Write out Philippians 2:3-4 on a card and look at it every day. (Philippians 2:3-4 is one of the theme verses for Intimacy Ignited.)
  7. a. On pages 16–17, read about being a servant lover.
  8. b. List three ways you are being a servant lover to your mate now.
  9. c. List three ways you want to grow in becoming a servant lover to your mate.
  10. 7. Do husbands and wives view intimacy differently? If yes, how? What gets in the way of couples fully enjoying intimacy?

Private: For Couples Only

SERVANT LOVERS ARE TEACHABLE.

SERVANT LOVERS GIVE PERMISSION TO EXTEND AND RECEIVE PASSION.

Lesson Two

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This week read:

Chapter 3: Soothe Insecurities

Chapter 4: Offer Sexual Refreshment

CHAPTER 3: SOOTHE INSECURITIES

Some of the principles in this chapter apply to wives, and others apply to husbands. In this study, we want to apply all principles to both husbands and wives.

  1. 1. Read 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. Write a paragraph about how you are to view your body according to this verse. How should this perspective influence the way you look at yourself and your mate?
  2. 2. Review “View Your Body as God’s Temple,” pages 25–26. Write practical steps you can implement to take better care of your body in these three areas:
  3. a. For your mate
  4. b. For yourself
  5. c. For God (Ask the Lord, “Is there anything you would have me do about my appearance that would bless my mate?”)
  6. 3. List two physical attributes that you find attractive about your mate. Show your mate what you wrote, and ask if you can share it with the Bible-study group.
  7. 4. On pages 32–34, read “Implement a Thirty-Day Praise Plan.” This week, begin to praise your mate daily in one of the following areas: acts of service, physical attributes, or character attributes. To help you get started praising your mate, try one of the following ideas or come up with your own idea:
  8. a. Write a poem or song and share it with your mate.
  9. b. Make a list of positive adjectives that describe your mate and post them where your kids can see them.
  10. c. On poster board, create a montage of pictures that describes your mate.
  11. d. Write a letter to your children, describing why Mom or Dad is so wonderful.
  12. e. Place an ad in the paper or post a message online expressing why your mate is so wonderful.
  13. f. Write a short paragraph expressing three things you appreciate about your mate. Earn brownie points by reading it to the Bible-study group.

CHAPTER 4: OFFER SEXUAL REFRESHMENT

  1. 5. First Samuel 24:1 talks about Engedi as a stronghold, a place of safety, and an oasis of beauty. The Song expands the idea to include a hideaway for lovers. List three words or phrases that describe the current stressors in your life that keep you from creating your personal Engedi.
  2. 6. Read Proverbs 11:25. What does this verse mean as it might relate to your sexual relationship?
  3. 7. Read 2 Samuel 12:24 and Genesis 24:66-67.
  4. a. According to these verses, what is one reason God gave the gift of sex to married couples?
  5. b. Sexual union can be a source of comfort in stressful times, such as the death of a loved one. Name some other circumstances in which intimacy might give comfort to your mate when he or she is in pain or under extreme stress.
  6. 8. Take a bedroom inventory. List anything you’d like to do in the next month that would improve your bedroom ambience.

Private: For Couples Only

SERVANT LOVERS EXPRESS ADMIRATION THROUGH ENCOURAGING WORDS AND ACTIONS.

  • Identify two things about your mate’s body that create sexual desire in you. Then look your mate in the eye and tell him or her.

SERVANT LOVERS SEEK TO MAKE SEXUAL LOVE A PLACE OF REFRESHMENT.

  • Each of you identify one or two current emotional or sexual needs. Discuss how your sexual intimacy might help meet these needs.
  • Plan together one night of “refreshment” this week.

Lesson Three

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This week read:

Chapter 5: Trade Sexual Compliments

Chapter 6: Catch the Little Foxes

CHAPTER 5: TRADE SEXUAL COMPLIMENTS

  1. 1. Wives: Write what you learned from Tirzah about being a creative lover.
  2. 2. Husbands: Write what you learned from Solomon about being a creative lover.
  3. 3. Read Proverbs 16:24, Ephesians 4:29, and 1 Thessalonians 5:11. List three things you learned from these verses that you can apply directly to how you speak to your mate.
  4. 4. Read Ephesians 5:4. Write a paraphrase of this verse. What does this say about how you should speak in public and in private about your sexual intimacy?
  5. 5. Read “Establish Sexual Boundaries” on pages 63–66 and “Get Rid of Porn” in chapter 12 on pages 184–185.
  6. a. What does this say about a husband or wife looking at pornography?
  7. b. List five reasons why God would say no regarding pornography.
  8. c. What would you say to a friend involved in viewing pornography?

CHAPTER 6: CATCH THE LITTLE FOXES

  1. 6. Identify two “little foxes” that were problems earlier in your relationship that are no longer an issue. What did you do or what circumstances caused these foxes to go away?
  2. 7. Identify two or more “little foxes” that currently gnaw at your love relationship. How can you trust God with these? How can you work together to keep these foxes from causing permanent damage?
  3. 8. Take the Marriage Minutes (MM) Test on page 79. If you scored less than 180 minutes, identify two ways you can increase your Marriage Minutes together this week, and then implement them.
  4. 9. Review the “Top Ten Time Grabbers” on pages 80–82. Which ideas do you think would help you find time as a couple? Think of another time grabber, and write it here. Come prepared to share it with the group.

Private: For Couples Only

SERVANT LOVERS DEVELOP A SEXUAL LANGUAGE SO THEY CAN COMMUNICATE LOVINGLY TO EACH OTHER.

SERVANT LOVERS CATCH LITTLE FOXES THAT THREATEN THEIR LOVE.

Lesson Four

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This week read:

Chapter 7: Create a Safe Place for Loving

Chapter 8: Remember Your Vows

CHAPTER 7: CREATE A SAFE PLACE FOR LOVING

  1. 1. In your notebook, draw a vertical line, forming two columns. In one column, write any words or phrases you have communicated in the past that might have caused your spouse to feel emotionally or sexually abandoned. In the second column, write words or actions that communicate a sense of security and well-being. Prayerfully ask God for opportunities to communicate these to your mate this week.
  2. 2. Fifty years ago, the word divorce was whispered with trepidation. Today, Christian couples casually throw around the “D” word. What contributes to the casual use of the “D” word?
  3. a. Read Malachi 2:13-17 and Matthew 19:3-9. List three reasons why you think God uses such strong language and emotion in connection with divorce.
  4. b. If you have spoken or communicated the “D” word to each other in any way, express your regret and then talk about ways you can keep this from happening in the future. If the “D” word is not part of your vocabulary, write down two things you can do to reinforce your positive attitude.
  5. 3. Husbands: Review “Love Your Wife” on pages 92–93. In your notebook, list one way that you can love your spouse in each of these areas:
  6. a. Help
  7. b. Affection
  8. c. Listening
  9. 4. Wives: Review “Respect Your Husband” on pages 96–98. In your notebook, list one way that you can show respect to your spouse in each of the following areas:
  10. a. Honor
  11. b. Support
  12. c. Response to sexual needs

Private: For Couples Only

SERVANT LOVERS MAKE THEIR MARRIAGE A SAFE PLACE BY COMMUNICATING LOVE AND RESPECT.

For Husbands:

  • Make a list of your actions and attitudes that communicate love to your wife. Don’t rush this exercise. Look at 1 Corinthians 13 to spur your thinking.
  • Ask your wife to list the actions and attitudes that communicate love to her. Instruct her to include attitudes as well as actions. Did her comments match items on your list?
  • What difference would it make in your marriage if you loved your wife in this way?

For Wives:

SERVANT LOVERS HONOR THEIR WEDDING VOWS DAILY.

CHAPTER 8: REMEMBER YOUR VOWS

  1. 5. Reflect on the vows you made to each other on your wedding day.
  2. a. Record two vows you made, and describe how you are actively fulfilling them.
  3. b. Identify any vows you are not fulfilling.
  4. c. Write a prayer asking God to show you ways you can practically demonstrate these vows to your mate this week.
  5. 6. Husbands: Review the information on pages 113–116 about how to protect your bride.
  6. a. Write three ways that you feel you protect your wife. Then write several more ways that you can protect her. Share this with her.
  7. b. Look up Psalm 7:1, 11:1, and 18:2. What do these verses tell you about where you should ultimately turn for protection?

Lesson Five

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This week read:

Chapter 9: Be Romantic In and Out of Bed

Chapter 10: Give Your Body as a Gift

CHAPTER 9: BE ROMANTIC IN AND OUT OF BED

  1. 1. Write a definition of romance based on what you have learned in this study.
  2. 2. Romance includes the unexpected.
  3. a. Describe a time you romanced your mate with the unexpected.
  4. b. List three ways you can include unexpected romantic encounters in the future.
  5. 3. Romance includes the impractical.
  6. a. Describe a time you included the impractical in a romantic encounter.
  7. b. List any barriers you have to being impractical and how they can be overcome.
  8. 4. Romance includes being intentional.
  9. a. Intentional spontaneity often creates anticipation. What role does anticipation play in lovemaking, and what can you do to increase anticipation?
  10. b. Describe a time you were intentionally romantic toward your mate. What was the response?

CHAPTER 10: GIVE YOUR BODY AS A GIFT

  1. 5. Memorize Song of Solomon 5:1: “Eat, friends; drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.”
  2. a. Paraphrase this verse in today’s language.
  3. b. Review pages 140–141. Have you received God’s blessing on your intimacy? If not, why not?
  4. 6. Write out 1 Corinthians 7:4 on a notecard and put it in a place where you will see it every day (taped on your bathroom mirror, car steering wheel, or fridge). Read this verse and pray it back to God every day this week.
  5. 7. Review “Give Your Body as a Gift” on pages 141–142.
  6. a. Write three things that keep a wife from giving authority of her body to her husband.
  7. b. Write three reasons why a husband might not give authority of his body to his wife.
  8. 8. Write a paraphrase of Proverbs 5:15-19 to share at the Bible study.

Private: For Couples Only

SERVANT LOVERS ARE ROMANTIC, IN AND OUT OF BED.

SERVANT LOVERS GIVE THEIR BODY AS A GIFT.

Lesson Six

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This week read:

Chapter 11: Stamp Out Selfishness

Chapter 12: Be Free in Your Mind

CHAPTER 11: STAMP OUT SELFISHNESS

  1. 1. Memorize this important verse: “Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out” (1 Corinthians 7:4, MSG).
  2. 2. Read 1 Corinthians 7:5. What reason does Paul give for not having sexual intimacy? Name five other reasons (excuses) husbands and wives give to each other for not wanting to make love.
  3. 3. Review Philippians 2:4. Write a short paragraph about how this verse applies to demanding that your spouse have sex.

CHAPTER 12: BE FREE IN YOUR MIND

  1. 4. Take inventory of your mind. Review Max and Beth’s story on pages 177–183. Be still before God for at least fifteen minutes. Ask Him to show you what is in your mind as it relates to sex. Record this on paper, using Max and Beth’s charts on pages 180–181 as guidelines.
  2. 5. Remove the corrupted files. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Ask God to remove anything in your mind that is displeasing to Him and harmful to you. This includes any thinking that has resulted from wrong actions or attitudes on your part, or painful images from wrong that was done to you by others. Take your time —this could be one of the most important exercises you will do in this study.
  3. 6. Install a new program. Review the Scriptures on page 187. Choose a verse or passage and commit it to memory this week. Write it on a three-by-five card and tape it to your bathroom mirror, reviewing it each morning and evening as you brush your teeth. Challenge your mate to do the same.
  4. 7. Use your mind creatively to shift into sexual gear.
  5. a. In your notebook, write two reasons why you think God gives us the example of Tirzah using mental imagery to shift her mind into sexual gear.
  6. b. What is one way that you can apply sexual imagery in a godly and positive way?

Private: For Couples Only

SERVANT LOVERS ADMIT THEIR SELFISHNESS AND LEARN FROM IT.

SERVANT LOVERS ALLOW GOD TO SET THEIR MINDS FREE.

Lesson Seven

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This week read:

Chapter 13: Be Free to Forgive

Chapter 14: Be Free with Your Body

CHAPTER 13: BE FREE TO FORGIVE

  1. 1. Review the stories about the pain of sexual betrayal on pages 198–204.
  2. a. Write five adjectives that describe the emotions someone might feel upon learning of sexual betrayal by his or her mate.
  3. b. Why do you think sexual betrayal is one of the most difficult sins to forgive?
  4. 2. Read Matthew 6:14-15. Paraphrase these verses in your own words, and explain how they apply to your marriage.
  5. 3. Read Matthew 18:21-35.
  6. a. According to Jesus, how many times must we forgive someone for the same offense?
  7. b. Do you think Jesus was referring to an actual number of times, an attitude, or both?
  8. c. Is unforgiveness a sin? Is it a lesser or greater sin than someone committing adultery?
  9. 4. Words can be used to create pain, and they can be used to heal. One way that words are used for healing is when they seek or offer forgiveness.
  10. a. What does Nehemiah 9:17-21 tell us about God’s perspective of forgiveness?
  11. b. Read Luke 17:4 and identify what it says about your role in the forgiveness process.
  12. 5. Review the sidebar on page 199 about forgiveness. What do you think Jesus means when He says we are to forgive as we have been forgiven?
  13. 6. Review the story about the forgiveness cup on pages 197–198. This week, buy a forgiveness cup. Be prepared to use it!

CHAPTER 14: BE FREE WITH YOUR BODY

  1. 7. What causes inhibitions in wives? In husbands? Write your thoughts down in your notebook. Are the causes the same or different?
  2. 8. Wives: Review “Say Yes to Sexual Freedom” on pages 214–218.
  3. a. Write a paragraph describing God’s perspective of sex. Compare this to the paragraph you wrote for lesson 1.
  4. b. How has your view of sex changed since lesson 1? How have the Song and this study shaped your thinking?
  5. c. Are you growing and embracing God’s perspective? If so, how? If not, why not?
  6. 9. Husbands: Review “Love Her to Freedom” on pages 218–220. Describe two ways you can offer loving acceptance to your wife.
  7. 10. Wives: Review “Love Your Husband to Freedom” on pages 222–224. Describe two ways you can encourage your husband as a lover.

Private: For Couples Only

SERVANT LOVERS OFFER FORGIVENESS WHEN WOUNDED.

SERVANT LOVERS OVERCOME INHIBITIONS AND USE THEIR BODY TO DELIGHT THEIR MATES.

Lesson Eight

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This week read:

Chapter 15: Be Free to Be Creative

Chapter 16: Fan the Fire of Lifelong Love

CHAPTER 15: BE FREE TO BE CREATIVE

  1. 1. Describe three things that characterize adventure for you.
  2. 2. What is your favorite creative idea in chapter 15? Why is it your favorite?
  3. 3. List three things that will help you grow in becoming a more creative lover.
  4. 4. Reread “Schedule Time Alone for Loving” on pages 233–236.
  5. a. Describe your dream anniversary getaway.
  6. b. What can you do to make your dream a reality —even if you have to plan and save for five years?
  7. c. List two things you can do to find time for just you two for intimate loving this month. Refer to “Top Ten Time Grabbers” on pages 80–82.

Private: For Couples Only

SERVANT LOVERS ARE FREE TO BE CREATIVE.

SERVANT LOVERS ACTIVELY PURSUE LIFELONG INTIMACY.

CHAPTER 16: FAN THE FIRE OF LIFELONG LOVE

  1. 5. Read Jeremiah 31:3. God says He will love us for how long? If He is the source of our love, how long should we love one another?
  2. 6. Paraphrase the beautiful definition of love in Song of Solomon 8:6-7. Be prepared to share your paraphrase with the Bible-study group.
  3. a. What does it mean that God is in the midst of the flame of your love? (Refer to pages 247–248 under “Love Is Intense.”)
  4. b. Consider love in light of these four words: intimate, intense, indestructible, and invaluable. In what ways do you demonstrate these words to your mate?
  5. 7. List four ways you are pursuing lifelong love. What can you add to what you are already doing?
  6. 8. Reread the sixteen qualities of servant lovers on pages 256–257. Consider doing the sixteen-week project together to reinforce your desire to fan the flame of lifelong love.

Bible Study Facilitator’s Guide

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When we field-tested this Bible study, we were amazed by the significant impact our few weeks together had on the husbands and wives in the group. One couple told us, “We were going through a really tough time; I’m not sure our marriage would have survived without this group and what we learned about loving each other.”

Following is a guide to assist you in facilitating the Bible study. Please feel free to customize these Bible-study sessions as you see fit. Groups differ in their pace, time commitment, and needs. While we’ve formatted the information for eight weeks (an average of two chapters per week), some groups may prefer a longer program in order to cover the material in more depth.

GETTING STARTED

Overview

Ideally, a husband-and-wife team should lead the study together. As leaders, your role is not so much to teach as it is to foster and create an environment for authentic conversation that will help participants learn from each other.

Our goal is to help couples immerse themselves in the truth of God’s Word as it relates to marital intimacy and to encourage accountability among couples. Each session is designed to maximize learning and to help participants get to know one another. You may wish to conclude your time together with a celebration ceremony so that couples can rededicate themselves to each other by expressing the vows of a servant lover.

A Trust-Based Environment

It’s critical that the participants of the study feel comfortable and safe, so judgmental comments and interruptions should be discouraged. Maintaining confidentiality is key to the success of a study on intimacy. Everyone in the group needs to agree not to relay information shared during the study to anyone outside of the group unless they have permission to do so.

Encourage the participants to listen closely, respond thoughtfully, and exercise unconditional regard for one another. Because sensitive and perhaps controversial issues will be discussed, insist on an atmosphere of trust and respect among all members of the group. As facilitators, your role is to create a trust-based environment by modeling this way of being and by encouraging participants to do the same. Regularly remind everyone of these two things: (1) feel free not to answer any question that makes you feel uncomfortable; and (2) never divulge information that will embarrass or offend your spouse.

Promoting the Study

Here are some ideas for publicizing the study:

Size of Group

Discussion is a cornerstone in this study, so the optimum size is between six and ten couples.

Building Relationships

Encourage couples to connect with one another between sessions by phone, by e-mail, or in person. You might suggest that all of the couples meet together once or twice for a social event, such as a potluck, group hike, or barbecue.

Materials Needed

Each couple will need a Bible, notebook, pen, and copy of Intimacy Ignited. As facilitators, you might find it helpful to use an overhead or a laptop or projector that allows you to run a PowerPoint presentation. Consider using a music device to play relaxing music at the beginning and end of the study. It sets a nice mood as people enter and exit the meeting.

Encourage Homework

The participants repeatedly told us, “We loved the homework.” Encourage everyone to do the practical exercises in the study and to keep up with the reading. Also reiterate that the questions that appear in the “Private: For Couples Only” sections are not for group discussion.

Ground Rules

Take a few minutes at the beginning of the first session to brainstorm and come up with ground rules that all can agree upon. If necessary, periodically revisit these rules and modify them as needed. Here are some ground rules your group might want to adopt:

Lesson Format

Plan approximately two hours for each session. Include time for socializing, reflecting, and participating. Here is a suggested format:

GO FOR IT

Because your first meeting will establish the framework for future sessions, lesson 1 contains more suggestions than the lessons that follow. While much of your time will be focused on processing the questions in the Bible study, we have added some tips that will help you as you lead the group.

Lesson One

INTRODUCTION: SEX AT ITS BEST

Discuss the framework of the Song of Solomon, the primary characters, and the purpose of the book. Be prepared to answer the question Why is Solomon, a man who had many wives by the end of his life, qualified to write this book? Many people cannot receive the rich information in the Song unless this basic question is answered.

CHAPTER 1: WHERE DID ALL THE PASSION GO?

Some natural discussion questions that emerge from this chapter are, What attitudes about sex were communicated to you while you were growing up? Did you talk with your parents about sex? If you have kids, how do you intend to communicate sexual information to them? These questions can help the group open up and begin to share.

CHAPTER 2: GIVE PERMISSION FOR PASSION

Focusing on Philippians 2:3-4, this chapter introduces what it means to be a servant lover and shows that in Scripture, God gives permission for passion. Because these themes will surface again later, be sure to discuss what constitutes a servant lover and what sorts of things keep a person from experiencing passion as God desires.

FACILITATOR TIPS:

Lesson Two

CHAPTER 3: SOOTHE INSECURITIES

Body image is a huge issue for most women. Empathize with the women, but encourage them not to buy in to the world’s message that shouts, “Be dissatisfied with your body.” Urge them instead to embrace God’s message, “Rejoice in the body I gave you” (see Psalm 139:14). Try to help the men understand what it would be like if they were bombarded day in and day out with messages designed to make them feel inadequate or dissatisfied with their bodies. Emphasize the key role a husband plays in helping his wife accept her body so that she can use it creatively during sex.

CHAPTER 4: OFFER SEXUAL REFRESHMENT

The key point of this chapter is that a married couple’s sexual relationship can be a place of refreshment, renewal, and refuge.

FACILITATOR TIPS:

Lesson Three

CHAPTER 5: TRADE SEXUAL COMPLIMENTS

Due to the sensitive nature of this chapter, reiterate the ground rules at the start of this session. Explain that it’s important for couples to develop a private sexual language. Talk generally about the merits of doing this, but avoid specific references.

CHAPTER 6: CATCH THE LITTLE FOXES

What happens if we fail to catch the “little foxes” in our marriages? Stress the importance of being willing to work on small problems so that they do not become large ones. Ask couples to share what they learned from taking the Marriage Minutes (MM) test.

FACILITATOR TIPS:

Lesson Four

CHAPTER 7: CREATE A SAFE PLACE FOR LOVING

Talk about what situations can cause someone in the marriage to feel unsafe, and then discuss the three ideas presented for making your marriage a safe place: (1) Eliminate the “D” word —discuss how divorce has impacted our country and the families who have suffered from divorce; (2) Husband, love your wife —have the men share what they learned about what speaks love to their wives; and (3) Wife, respect your husband —have the women share what they learned about what speaks respect to their husbands. Talk about practical ways a husband communicates love to his wife, and a wife communicates love to her husband.

CHAPTER 8: REMEMBER YOUR VOWS

Talk about the importance of a covenant and why God values it so much. You might want to look up verses in the Bible relating to covenant and vow. Talk about the practical aspects of protection.

FACILITATOR TIPS:

Lesson Five

CHAPTER 9: BE ROMANTIC IN AND OUT OF BED

As a group, define “romance for a man” and “romance for a woman.” Then ask the couples to talk among themselves and modify the definition so that it is tailored to their mates. Sometimes it helps to determine what romance is not (for example, eating garlic bread). This too will include individual preferences.

CHAPTER 10: GIVE YOUR BODY AS A GIFT

The concept of giving authority of your body is one that many people do not understand. Stick to Scripture. Try to help couples understand that it’s possible to give your body to your mate in sex but still have the attitude that “my body is my own, and I’ll give it when I want.” The goal is to help couples understand God’s ideal and how it can be lived out in marriage.

FACILITATOR TIPS:

Lesson Six

CHAPTER 11: STAMP OUT SELFISHNESS

Satan is the external enemy of intimacy; selfishness is the internal enemy of intimacy. Both are defeated when we live in dependence upon God and as servant lovers to one another.

CHAPTER 12: BE FREE IN YOUR MIND

Strongly encourage every group member to work through the exercises for this lesson. Stress the importance of Scripture memorization and meditation. If applicable, share examples of how memorizing Scripture has helped you. Review this chapter thoroughly, and ask couples to share how the exercise of “renewing your mind” impacted them.

FACILITATOR TIPS:

“Pour out your sins before God.” (Pour polluted water into a bucket.) “Receive God’s forgiveness.” (Rinse glass pitcher with clear water.) “Memorize God’s Word.” (Fill glass pitcher with clear water.) “Voila! A renewed mind! But this process can take time and will need to be repeated throughout the course of your life to keep your mind new.”

Lesson Seven

CHAPTER 13: BE FREE TO FORGIVE

Review and discuss the sidebar about forgiveness on page 199. Focus on what forgiveness is, what it is not, and the role it plays in marriage.

CHAPTER 14: BE FREE WITH YOUR BODY

Be careful that the conversation for this chapter does not turn too personal. Talk in general about what creates inhibitions among women and what causes men to be inhibited.

FACILITATOR TIPS:

Lesson Eight

CHAPTER 15: BE FREE TO BE CREATIVE

Discuss how creativity contributes to maintaining lifelong love.

CHAPTER 16: FAN THE FIRE OF LIFELONG LOVE

Focus on how the flame is central to understanding how our love can be lifelong.

EPILOGUE: THE FLAME

Talk about why it is important to understand the small drama of our marriage within the context of the large drama of what God is doing in our world.

FACILITATOR TIPS: