Note: page numbers in italic refer to illustrations or examples. The letter ‘t’ after a page number refers to a table. Where more than one page number is listed against a heading, page numbers in bold indicate significant treatment of a subject
bullying 29–30, 361–5, 396, 406
sexual 80, 92, 167–8, 373, 388–91
see also violence
acceptance 129–30, 347, 376, 487
active relaxation 133, 135, 246, 262
adrenal glands 65
affection 39, 64, 80–1, 309, 378
aggressive behaviour 472, 473t, 474–6, 478, 486
‘alien for a day’ 137–8
all-or-nothing thinking 5, 219–21, 545
anger and 288
assertiveness and 474
caring and 449
failure and 507
frustration and 220
identity and 353
‘it–me’ problems and 292–3
see also subordinate thinking
anger 38, 77, 154, 172, 290, 433–5
all-or-nothing thinking and 288
blocks 257–8
bullying and 361–3
childhood/early life and 10, 64–5, 73–94, 409
conflict and 287–8
coping skills 441–70
envy and 444–5
evolution and 442
failure and 494–5
fear and 451
focusing and 449
forgiveness and 481–3
frustration and 442–3
guilt and 433–5
injury and 443–4
jealousy and 444–5
pain and 459–60
self-criticism and 293–5
self-help exercises 467–70
self-honesty and 321–2
sexual abuse and 390–1
shades of 446–7
shame and 380, 449–50, 453–4, 456, 476
sympathetic 445
women and 441
animals and depression 3, 15, 42
anxiety 38, 40, 42, 99, 378–9, 512–16
anxious attachment 49–50
approval 217–19, 313, 343–7, 355, 358, 385
bullying and 361–3
caring and 407–8
giving 360–1
guilt and 407–8
ideals and 504
subordinate 345, 348, 349, 350, 360–1
archetypes 16
aromatherapy 134–5
aspirations 43–6
assertiveness 57, 398–9, 471–2, 473t, 474–81
self-help exercises 489–92
attention
lack of 444
wandering thoughts 122, 125–7, 171
writing and 227
attitudes and beliefs 74–80, 84–5, 110–13, 115, 229–30, 460–6
automatic thoughts and feelings 96–8, 111, 115, 216
avoidance
of rumination 457–9
of shame 393–6
of thoughts and feelings 208–13, 393–6
balancing
coping skills and 176–203
self-sacrifice 408–10
social comparisons 280–1
thoughts 176–203, 223–4, 312–13
behavioral experiments 147, 175, 249–52
behaviors 6
animals and humans 15–16
compassionate 184
non-assertive 472, 473t, 474–6
beliefs and attitudes 74–80, 84–5, 110–13, 115, 229–30, 460–6
biological aspects 62–3
biopsychosocial approach 62
bipolar illness 9, 22, 64, 268
blaming 199t, 276–9, 283–8, 290, 363, 390, 455
blocks
anger and 257–8
compassionate behavior and 172, 255–64
grief and 428
revenge and 398
to becoming active 252–4
body shame 53, 373–6, 389, 393–4, 500–1
boredom 261–2
brain states 8, 13, 14, 60, 245, 524, 525
breaking up relationships 196t, 197–8, 206–7, 426–7
breathing 126, 127, 128, 130–2, 137, 150
self-help exercises 123–7, 253–4
brooding see rumination
bullying 29–30, 361–5, 396, 406
burdening others 313–16, 385, 413–15
burnout 22–3, 54–5, 245–6, 263–4, 409, 420
caring
approval and 407–8
core beliefs and 84–5
guilt and 406, 407–8, 410–2, 414–15
parenting and 24–5
relationships and 24–5, 84–5, 449
catastrophizing 70
thoughts and the brain 28, 29–33, 258
CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) 73, 74, 75
change
self-help ideas 326–39
values and 335–7
chasing rainbows 43–6
childbirth 279, 417, 517, 518t 519–20
childhood and early life 10, 64–5, 73–94, 409
anger and 483–4
core feelings and beliefs 74–80
self-blaming and 283–4, 287, 290
social comparison and 277–8
subordination and 472–4
trauma and 80–2
coffee 269
cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) 73, 74, 75
color and compassion 147–8
commitments and goals 248–9
communication, non-verbal 358
comparison, social 55–6, 276–81, 345, 425, 520, 549
compassion
behavior and 184
color and 147–8
coping skills and 144–75
criticism and 161, 182–3, 275–303
failure and 499–500
fear of 171–2
flow of 148–9
focusing and 212–13, 499–500, 501
health issues and 266
imagery and 147–8, 159–70, 174t, 530
letter-writing and 233–41, 482–3, 523
mind reading (projection) and 347–8
practice forms 173, 174t, 175t
qualities 148, 179–80, 181–3, 201
questioning thoughts 187–9
rationality and 179, 192–3t, 374–5t
reframing and 232
self-compassion 32, 33, 149–51, 153–5, 161, 182–3, 275–303
self-correction and 291t, 298–9
self-help exercises in 149–51, 152–8, 173, 174t, 175t, 530–1
skills and attributes 183–4, 185t, 186
training in 181–3, 526, 528–30, 539
‘under the duvet’ 151–2, 511–12, 530–1
compassionate cards 329–30
compensation and shame 393
competence and shame 377
concealment and shame 393–4
conclusions, jumping to 206–7, 545
anger and 287–8
guilt and 430
personality and 87–8
relationships and 191–3, 194t, 195, 198–200, 276
connectedness 47–8
contentment 17, 23–4, 39, 420–1, 498
contrast thoughts 382–3
with anger 441–70
balancing 176–203
changing behaviors 245–72
developing helpful thinking 204–26, 330–1
kindness and compassion 144–75
mindfulness 119–143
worksheet 532–6
writing 105–7, 119, 201, 206–7, 227–44
core feelings and beliefs 74–80, 84–5
criticism, self 23, 32, 56, 371t
anger and 293–5
compassion and 161, 182–3, 275–303
fear and 281–3
‘it–me’ problems and 290–3
parenting and 290, 386–8, 476–7
punishment and 288–9
responsibility and 283–6
self-attacking and 293–5
self-blame and 286–8
self-hatred and 295–8
self-help exercises 300–3
social comparison and 276–81
death 427–9
decatastrophizing 501
defeat, feelings of 54–5, 56, 86–7
delusions 9–10
depression
modern society and 23, 59, 89, 91, 136, 357, 504–5
as a physical problem 61
shame and 33–4, 71–2, 313, 314
symptoms 8, 9t, 10–11, 68, 78–9
deserving, sense of 419–20, 424
diet 267
disappointment 220, 346, 384, 498, 504–5, 511–20
self-help exercises 521–2
disbelieving/discounting the positive 215–19, 474, 546–7
distrust 85–6
doing your best 496–500
domestic violence 363–4
dopamine 63
drugs 269
dwelling see rumination
egocentric thinking 222–3
emotional amplifiers 100–1
emotions 4–5
core beliefs and feelings and 75–7, 78
failure and 511–16
feel-good 20–1
identifying 331–2
morality and 406–7
reasoning and 213–24
self-conscious 368
self-help exercises 210–13
triggers 41–2
uses 37–41
empty self 308–13, 346, 411–12
enjoying life 420–1
relationships and 50, 59, 357, 359, 416–17
rumination and 419
subordinate approval and 348–50
envy and anger 444–5
escaping 417–18
evolution 15–16, 24, 26, 33, 37–60, 218, 343–4
anger and 442
causes of depression and 15–16, 26–7
function of depression and 43–58, 524–5
modern society and 59
shame and 383–4
excitement 39
exercises, self-help
anger 467–70
assertiveness 489–92
changing behaviors 271–2
compassion 149–51, 152–8, 173, 174t, 175t, 530–1
disappointment 521–2
disapproval/criticism 300–3, 366–7
flash/compassion cards 326–9, 330, 431, 450–1, 458, 550
guilt 438–40
imagery 159–70, 173, 174t, 175t
letter-writing 233–40, 244, 523
life scripts 337–9
self-criticism 300–3
self-labelling 322–5
styles of thinking 225–6
sympathetic joy 158
tolerating emotions 210–13
see also writing
exhaustion 22–3, 54–5, 245–6, 263–4, 409, 420
existential guilt 429
experiments, behavioral 147, 175, 249–52
externally-focused thoughts 109
failure 43–6, 54–5, 216, 251, 493–523
anger and 494–5
assertiveness and 479–81
compassion and 499–500
‘doing your best’ 496–500
fear and 497
feelings and 511–16
frustration 501–3
ideal self and 516–17
lost ideals 503–20
parenting and 517–20
perfectionism 495–501
personal pride 500–1
shoulds and oughts 494–5
spoiling 507–9
fantasies 503–11
fear
anger and 451
anxiety and 512–16
of compassion 171–2
enjoying life 420–1
failure and 497
guilt and 405
relationships and 362
self-blame and 281–3
self-criticism and 281–3, 371t
feel-good emotions 20–1
feelings
of being empty 308–13, 346, 411–12
being a nuisance/burden 313–16, 385, 413–15
childhood/early life 74–80
facts and 214t
failure and 511–16
flow of compassion 148–9
frustration and 511–16
helpful 255
identifying 331–2
losing capacity for 411–12
questioning 187–9
relationships and 84–5
shame and 378–82
thoughts and 95–9, 100, 101, 102–16
tolerance and avoidance 182, 208–13, 393–6
unhelpful 176–203
flash cards 326–9, 330, 431, 450–1, 458, 550
focusing
anger and 449
breathing 123–7
compassionate 212–13, 499–500, 501
mindful 126, 127, 128–9, 138–9, 141, 142, 152–3, 515, 529
sensory 133–4
worksheet 532–6
forgiveness 241–2, 435–6, 481–3, 484–5
frustration
all-or-nothing thinking and 220
anger and 442–3
failure and 501–3
feelings and 511–16
self-criticism and 30–1, 505–7
tolerance and 442–3, 498, 501–3
future-focused thoughts 109
genetic factors 63–4
goals and commitments 248–9
goodbyes and guilt 426–7
grasshopper mind 122, 125–7, 171
gratitude 242–3
grief 40–1, 46–7, 48, 140, 240–1, 427–9, 459–60
guilt 39
anger and 433–5
approval-seeking and 407–8
avoiding spreading 476–7
‘being better off than others’ 422–4
being a burden/nuisance 313–16, 385, 413–15
caring and 406, 407–8, 410–12, 414–15
conflict and 430
death and 427–9
escaping and 417
existential 429
fakery and 316–21
fear and 405
forgiveness and 435–6
goodbyes and 426–7
grief and 427–9
honesty and 418–19
inducing 430–2
men and 428–9
as moral emotion 406–7
parenting and 286, 411–12, 414–15, 417, 423–4, 427, 431–2, 486–7
psychotic depression and 10
relationships and 422–4, 430, 431–2, 433–5, 476–7
reputation and 407
self-sacrifice and 408–10
self-help exercises 438–40
sense of deserving and 419–26
social needs and 409, 410, 420
survivors and 422
tolerating 432–3
happy and unhappy situations 83t
happy self 155–6
health issues 264–70
HeartMath 168
helpful thinking 204–26, 330–1
honesty
guilt and 418–19
humor and shame 394
hypomania 9
ideals 48–9, 503–5, 506t, 507–9, 510t, 511–16, 517t, 518t, 519–20, 523
identity, loss of 352–5, 356–7
imagery 5–6, 144, 145–8, 162, 254–5, 334–5
compassionate 147–8, 159–70, 174t, 530
difficulties with 166–8
grounding and 169–70
mindfulness and 145–6
self-help exercises 159–70,173,174t,175t
social comparison 55–6, 277, 280–1, 345
social withdrawal 329–30
status and 86–7
subordinate thinking 50–4
infidelity 404–5
injury and anger 443–4
internally-focused thoughts 109, 112t
‘I must’ thinking 215–17, 468, 493, 494, 523, 546
‘in the moment’ 120, 121, 123, 128–9
irrationality 69–72
‘it–me problems’ 290–3, 522, 548
jealousy 444–5
joy, sympathetic 158
jumping to conclusions 206–7, 545
coping skills and 144–75
self-kindness 31–3, 184–5, 372
labelling 304–8, 328–9, 349–50, 396, 423, 474, 480, 548
letter-writing 233–41, 244, 482–3, 523
life scripts 337–9
loneliness 135–6, 263, 312, 370, 396
loss
of positive relationships 509, 510t, 511
reactions to 46–9
lost ideals 48–9, 503–5, 506t, 512–15, 523
parenting and 517t, 518t, 519–20
relationships 509, 510t, 511, 518t, 519–20
spoiling 507–9
major depression 8
meditation 120, 140, 151, 165–6, 175
memory, emotional 386, 387–8, 420–1
assertiveness and 479–81
guilt and 428–9
infidelity and 404–5
violence and 394
mind–body link 61–72
mind reading (projection) 207–8, 222–3, 279, 347–8, 395–6
mindfulness
breathing and 123–5, 126, 128, 130–2, 253–4
coping skills and 119–43
focusing and 126, 127, 128–9, 138–9, 141, 142, 152–3, 515, 529
imagery and 145–6
relaxation and 24, 123–7, 130–3, 135–8, 184, 246, 270
self-help exercises 142–3, 202–3
thinking and 114
modern society 23, 59, 89, 91, 136, 357, 504–5
monoamines 63
moral emotion and guilt 406–7
mudras 169–70
needs, social
recognition and 384–5
relationships and 83t, 84–91, 315–16, 353, 354, 379
negative emotions and feelings 40–1, 305, 471, 498
negative labels 305–7
negative thinking (threat and loss bias) 176–7, 204, 205, 276, 326, 405, 428, 547
neurotic depression 9
non-assertive behavior 472, 473t, 474–6
non-verbal communication 358
noradrenaline 63
nuisance, feeling a 313–16, 385, 413–15
obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) 383
overgeneralization 221–2, 346, 474, 546
painting 335
parenting
caring and 24–5
childbirth 279, 412, 417, 517, 518t, 519–20
criticism and 290, 386–8, 476–7
disappointment and 517–20
failure and 517–20
guilt and 286, 411–12, 414–15, 417, 423–4, 427, 431–2, 486–7
loss of ideal other and 48–9, 459–60
loss of role 91
lost ideals 517t, 518t, 519–20
mind reading and 207
perfectionism and 410
‘rescuing heroes’ and 409
sexual abuse and 80
social comparison and 277–9
unpredictable/unreliable 81–2
passive aggression (sulking) 478, 486
perfectionism 82, 410, 495–501
personal pride 500–1
personal space 135–6, 263, 420
physiological sensitivity 20, 64–5
positive activities 260–1
positive emotion systems 21–6
prediction 208
pride 500–1
projection (mind reading) 207–8, 222–3, 279, 347–8, 395–6
‘protest–despair’ response 47–8
psychotic depression 9–10
punishment 288–9
questioning thoughts and feelings 187–9
rationality 177–9, 187–8, 192–3t, 201, 347–8, 374–5t
recognition 384–5
reconciliation 485–8
refocusing 177–9
reframing thoughts 232
regrets 104
relationships 7–8, 49–50, 56, 59, 263
breaking up 196t, 197–8, 206–7, 426–7
bullying and 361–5
conflict 191–3, 194t, 195, 198–200, 276
entrapments and 50, 59, 357, 359, 416–17
fear and 62
forgiveness and 483–4
guilt and 422–4, 430, 431–2, 433–5, 476–7
jealousy and 445
lack of attention 444
loss of identity and 352–5, 356–7
loss of positive 509, 510t, 511
lost ideals and 509–11, 517–20
mind-reading (projection) and 207–8, 222–3
non-verbal communication and 358
parenting and 509, 510t, 511, 518t, 519–20
personal space and 263
reconciliation and 485–8
self-sacrifice and 408–10
social needs and 83t, 82–91, 315–16, 353, 354, 379
subordination and 360–1
relaxation, mindful 24, 123–7, 130–3, 135–8, 184, 246, 262, 270
reputation 407–8
rescuer children 82
rescuing heroes 408–10, 416, 426
resentment 483–4
responsibility
for changing behaviors 34
self-criticism and 283–6
taking too much 283–4, 285, 286–8, 418, 425–6
rumination (brooding/dwelling) 19, 26, 27, 183–4
avoiding 457–9
balancing thoughts 190–1, 223–4
blocked revenge 398
bullying and 364–5
entrapment and 419
spiralling and 68
sulking and 478
sadness 140–1
safety-seeking systems 18–19, 78
self-attacking 60, 291t, 293–5, 346, 355, 377, 428, 516, 517t, 547–9
self-awareness 27
self-beliefs 460–6
self-blaming 199t, 276–9, 281–8, 290, 363, 390, 548
self-comparison 55–6
self-compassion 32, 33, 149–51, 153–5, 275–303
self-conscious emotions 368
self-correction, compassionate 291t, 298–9
self-criticism 23, 32, 56, 371t
anger and 293–5
compassion and 161, 182–3, 275–303
fear and 281–3
‘it–me’ problems and 290–3
parenting and 290, 386–8, 476–7
punishment and 288–9
responsibility and 283–6
self-attacking and 293–5
self-hatred and 295–8
self-help exercises 300–3
social comparison and 276–81
self-esteem 32–3
self-forgiveness 484–5
self-harming 296
self-help exercises
anger 467–70
assertiveness 489–92
changing behaviors 271–2
compassion 149–51, 152–8, 173, 174t, 175t, 530–1
disappointment 521–2
disapproval/criticism 300–3, 366–7
flash/compassion cards 326–9, 330, 431, 450–1, 458, 550
guilt 438–40
imagery 159–70, 173, 174t, 175t
letter-writing 233–40, 244, 523
life scripts 337–9
self-criticism 300–3
self-labelling 322–5
shame 400-2, 523
styles of thinking 225–6
sympathetic joy 158
tolerating emotions 210–13
see also writing
self-help strategies 326–39, 526, 527–9
self-identity 27, 352–5, 356–7, 504, 515–16
self-judgements 345–7
self-kindness 31–3, 184–5, 372
self-labelling 304–8, 328–9, 349–50, 423, 474, 480, 548
self-help exercises 322–5
self-sacrifice 408–10
sensitivity, physiological 20, 64–5
sensory focusing 133–4
serotonin 63
sexual abuse 80, 92, 167–8, 373, 388–91
sexual harassment 365
anger and 380, 449–50, 453–4, 456, 476
approval and 370, 384–5, 449–50
assertiveness and 479–81
avoidance and 393–6
being depressed and 33–4, 71–2, 313, 314
body and 53, 373–6, 376, 389, 393–4, 500–1
compassionate self–correction and 291t
compensation and 393
competence and 377
concealment and 393–4
dealing with 393–6
elements of 369–72
evolution and 383–4
feelings and 378–82
humilation and revenge 397–8, 479–80
humour and 394
loneliness and 370
origins of 383–91
parenting and 383–4, 395, 397–8
pride and 500–1
relationships and 378, 396, 435–7
self-help exercises 400–2, 523
sexual abuse and 388–91
sexuality and 379–80, 382, 395–6
shoulds and oughts 454, 494–5, 523
sleep difficulties 264–5
social comparison 55–6, 276–81, 345, 425, 520, 549
social environment 88–9
social needs
recognition and 384–5
relationships and 83t, 84–91, 315–16, 353, 354, 379
social roles 90–1
spiralling 68–9, 98–9, 100, 101, 115, 176, 204, 205, 453–4, 495
spoiling 507–9
states of mind, different 186
status 11, 50–4, 55–6, 86–7, 90–1, 280
stimulants and drugs 269
‘stop pursuing rainbows’ model 50
strength and fortitude 161
stress 50, 58, 65–8, 69, 70–2, 330–1
submissive behavior 472, 473t, 474–6
subordinate thinking 57, 77, 79, 92, 344, 345, 352–5, 480
approval and 348, 349, 350, 360–1
childhood/early years and 472–4
inferiority and 50–4
see also all-or-nothing thinking
sulking (passive aggression) 478, 486
survivor guilt 422
symptoms 8, 9t, 10–11, 68, 78–9
positive activities 260–1
tension 130–2
thinking
catching 227–8
compassion and 183–4, 185t, 186
egocentric 222–3
‘I must’ 215–17, 468, 493, 494, 523, 546
mindfulness and 114
negativity and 113–14, 115, 176–7, 204, 205, 276, 326, 405, 428, 547
self-help exercises 225–6
see also all-or-nothing thinking; subordinate thinking
thought forms 105–7, 228, 229t, 230, 231t, 232, 537–43
thoughts
alternative 196t, 197–8, 222t, 284–6
balancing 176–203, 223–4, 312–13
basic beliefs and 78
brain states and 28, 29–31, 258
changing 231t
contrast thoughts 382–3
externally-focused 109
feelings and 95–9, 100, 101, 102–16
future-focused 109
identifying 107–10
questioning 187–9
rational and logical 177–9, 187–8, 192–3t, 201, 347–8, 374–5t
reframing 232
self-critical 371t
spiralling and 68–9, 98–9, 100, 101, 115, 176, 204, 205, 453–4, 495
unhelpful 176–203
writing down 105–7, 228–32, 537–43
threat and loss (negative thinking) bias 113–14, 115, 176–7, 204, 205
threat-protection systems 17, 18–19, 20, 35, 40, 71, 75, 186, 289
tiredness 256–7
tolerance
of frustration 442–3, 498, 501–3
of guilt 432–3
of thoughts and feelings 182, 208–13, 393–6
tranquillizers 269
relationships and 50, 59, 357, 359, 416–17
subordinate approval and 348–50
trauma, childhood 80–2
triggers
emotions 41–2
unhelpful thoughts and feelings 176–203
unipolar depression 9
values, changing 335–7
violence
men and 394
see also abuse
vitamins and supplements 267, 268
wandering thoughts 122, 125–7, 171
weight issues 267, 329, 335, 374–5t, 376, 500–1
‘What the Hell’ factor 501
wisdom 160–1
withdrawal, social 329–30
women 11, 53, 90, 92–3, 136, 207–8, 223, 262
anger and 441
childbirth and 279, 417, 517, 518t, 519–20
confidence and 355
parenting and 412
responsibility and 425–6
self-sacrifice and 410
social comparison and 278, 279
subordination and 352–5, 356–7
weight issues and 329, 335, 374–5t, 376
work
bullying at 364–5
status and 90–1
writing
exercises 241–4
letter writing 233–41, 482–3, 523
thought forms 105–7, 228, 229t, 230, 231t 232, 537–43
see also self-help exercises