Index
about this book, 1–5
acceptance: of anger, 202–203 , 210 ; as heart of intimacy, 176
acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), 203
Accepting Each Other (Emmons and Alberti), 176
adverse reactions, 263–264
aggressive behavior: assertive behavior vs., 17 , 54–55 ; characteristics of, 48–50 , 54 ; consequences of, 49 , 50 ; examples of, 61–67 ; human nature and, 53–54 ; indirect, 49–50 , 216 ; measuring, 24 ; nonverbal communication and, 82 , 217 ; as reaction to assertiveness, 263 ; recognizing your own, 67–68 ; sexual communication and, 180–181
agoraphobia, 129
Alberti, Leon Batista, 220
Alberti, Robert E., 32 , 74 , 85
Among Friends (Pogrebin), 164
amygdala, 111
Anatomy of an Illness (Cousins), 273
anger, 188–212 ; acceptance of, 202–203 , 210 ; assertiveness and, 208–209 ; complexity of, 188–189 , 201 ; conflict resolution for, 204 , 210–211 ; coping strategies related to, 206–207 , 212 ; dealing with another person’s, 210 ; expressing, 93 , 192–193 , 203–204 , 208–209 ; facts about, 189 , 194 , 195 ; as health risk, 194 , 196 ; mindfulness of, 202 ; myths about, 189–194 , 195 ; reasons for, 198–200 ; recommendations for minimizing, 205–206 ; statements for communicating, 209 ; theories about, 195 ; thermometer for measuring, 197
Anger Kills (Williams and Williams), 196 , 201 , 205
Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion (Tavris), 192
anxiety, 123–138 ; assertiveness and, 134 , 138 ; diet, exercise, and sleep for, 130–131 ; difficult situations causing, 238 ; EMDR therapy for, 135 ; exposure desensitization for, 129–130 ; failure related to, 259 ; irrational beliefs and, 134 ; listing/labeling situations of, 126–127 ; medications for treating, 136–137 ; meditation, breathing, and relaxation for, 132–133 ; methods for overcoming, 127 , 129–137 ; sample journal entry about, 128 ; social phobia and, 124 ; SUD scale for assessing, 125–126 ; systematic desensitization for, 127 , 129 ; treatment for panic attacks and, 133 ; workplace performance, 222
Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, The (Bourne), 137
appreciation, 56
Art of Loving, The (Fromm), 157
Asian cultures, 52
Assertive Woman, The (Phelps and Austin), 36 , 216
assertiveness: aggressiveness vs., 17 , 54–55 ; anger and, 208–209 ; anxiety and, 134 , 138 ; barriers to, 17–18 , 42–44 ; benefits of, 18 ; brain patterns and, 12–13 ; categories for, 93–94 ; characteristics of, 49 , 50 , 59–60 ; components of, 82–99 ; consequences of, 49 , 50 , 55–56 ; cultural differences in, 52 , 94–95 ; definitions of, 17 , 46–47 , 256 ; equality and, 14 , 33 , 39 ; examples of, 61–67 ; failure of, 254–260 ; family relationships and, 168–174 ; future trends in, 6–7 ; gender and, 35–39 ; goal setting for, 73–80 ; health related to, 271–273 ; intimate relationships and, 175–185 ; journal writing about, 26–30 ; learning the skill of, 139–144 ; listening based on, 88–90 ; measuring, 21–25 ; need for, 13–15 ; nonverbal behavior and, 81–87 ; practice situations for, 281–294 ; questions about practicing, 247–253 ; reactions of others to, 261–264 ; recent research about, 5–6 ; sexuality and, 36 , 178 , 180–181 , 182–184 ; situations calling for, 16 ; step-by-step process of, 145–151 ; thoughts about, 90 , 115–116 ; in the twenty-first century, 57–59 ; warmth or caring as, 154 , 157–160 ; workplace, 42 , 221–222 , 226–227 , 230–232
Assertiveness Inventory, 22–23 ; analyzing your results from, 24–25 ; explanation and guidelines, 21
Association for Advancement of Behavior Therapy (AABT), 4
Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies (ABCT), 295
athletes, 48
attitudes: about assertiveness, 90 , 113 ; anger related to, 199 ; changing behavior and, 139–142 ; journal entries about, 28 ; toward yourself, 113–115
autogenic training, 132
automatic thoughts, 121
autonomy, 72
backbiting, 263
balance, 57
barriers to assertiveness, 17–18 , 42–44
Bataille, Gretchen, 220
battle of the sexes, 165–166
Beckfield, Denise, 133
behavior: changing attitudes and, 139–142 ; classification of, 54–55 ; cognitive dimensions of, 90 ; examples of styles of, 61–67 ; journal entries about, 28
Behavior Therapy journal, 4 , 154
Behavioral Model for Personal Growth, 73 , 74–75
behavioral skills, 13
beliefs, irrational, 134
Ben & Jerry’s: The Inside Scoop (Lager), 11
Ben & Jerry’s ice cream story, 10–11
benefits of assertiveness, 18
Benson, Hebert, 132–133
Berkowitz, Bill, 45
biofeedback training, 125 , 132
body language. See nonverbal behavior
Boenisch, Ed, 137
Bolles, Richard N., 223
bottom-drawer goals, 79
boundaries, personal, 51–52
Bourne, Edmund, 137
brain: anger and, 198 ; assertiveness and, 12–13 ; emotions and, 111–112 ; social, 155–157
Buffett, Warren, 123
bullies, online, 108
buried anger, 190
Burns, David, 90
canned approaches, 257–258
Carducci, Bernardo, 56
caring, expressions of, 154 , 157–160
catastrophizing, 120
Challenger disaster, 268
change: extremes of, 271 ; journal writing for, 29–30 ; reactions to, 261–264 ; step-by-step process of, 145–151
Cheek, Donald, 94
children: assertiveness of, 42 , 169–171 ; online protection of, 108–109
choice, assertive, 29 , 30 , 143 , 246 ; personal boundaries and, 51 , 52 ; questions for considering, 247–253 ; sexual communication and, 178
Churchill, Winston, 235
citizenship, world, 276–278
civility, 57
clarification requests, 241
classifying behavior, 54–55
cognitive behavioral therapy, 90
Cohen, Ben, 10–11
Cole, Charles, 196
common sense, 273–276
communication: children and, 108–109 ; content of, 92–95 ; fluency of, 87–88 , 103 ; fostering open and honest, 39 ; listening skills for, 88–90 ; nonverbal behavior in, 81–87 ; online, 100–101 , 103–109 ; phone, 103 ; sexual, 178–179 , 180–181 ; timing of, 88 ; vocal quality in, 86–87 ; written, 103–107
community practice situations, 291–293
compassionate assertiveness, 274–275
compliments, 160–162
components of assertive behavior, 82–99 ; chart illustrating, 97 ; self-rating scale on, 98–99
conditioned reflex therapy, 4
conflict resolution, 204 , 210–211
consequences: of assertive behavior, 49 , 50 , 55–56 ; of nonassertive or aggressive behavior, 49 , 50
consumers: assertive behavior of, 36 ; practice situations for, 286–288
content of messages, 92–95
context of behavior, 55
contraindications, 257
Cooley, Myles, 93
Corsini, Raymond, 169
courtesy, 56
Cousins, Norman, 273
criticism: dealing with, 214–215 , 219 ; on-the-job, 229 , 231 . See also put-downs
cultural diversity: assertive behavior and, 37 , 52 , 94–95 ; assumptions about, 40–41 ; contemporary growth of, 39–40 ; individuality and, 41 ; nonverbal behavior and, 83 , 84–85 , 95 ; self-assertion and, 52–53
cyberbullying, 108
Damasio, Antonio, 112
de-escalation, 242
desensitization: exposure, 129–130 ; systematic, 127 , 129
Developing Mind, The (Siegel), 112
dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), 203
diet, importance of, 130–131
difficult people, 235–243 ; characteristics of, 235–236 ; common thoughts related to, 236–237 ; guidelines for handling, 242–243 ; steps for dealing with, 237–242
direct action, 238–239
direct verbal put-downs, 215–216
diversity: accounting for types of, 53 . See also cultural diversity
double entendres, 50
Du Bois, W. E. B., 145
Eating Well for Optimum Health (Weil), 131
Eats, Shoots & Leaves (Truss), 106
Elgin, Suzette Haden, 94 , 239
Ellis, Albert, 90 , 120 , 134 , 243
e-mail messages, 107
Emery, Gary, 120
Emmons, Michael, 3 , 135 , 170
emojis, 106
emoticons, 105–106
emotions: brain centers related to, 111–112 ; emoticons for expressing, 105–106 ; facial expressions revealing, 86 ; getting in touch with, 71 ; thoughts related to, 120 . See also feelings
Emotions Revealed (Ekman), 86
empathic assertion, 274
employment: interviewing for, 224–226 ; practice situations related to, 288–291 ; searching for, 223–224 . See also workplace
equality: assertiveness and, 14 , 33 , 39 , 46 , 59 ; gender differences and, 165–166 ; human rights and, 33 , 34 , 122 ; intimate relationships and, 165 ; societal myths about, 35
exercise, importance of, 131
existential living, 75
experience, openness to, 74
exposure desensitization, 129–130
eye contact, 83–84
eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), 135
Facial Action Coding System, 86
facial expressions, 85–86 , 95
Fahlman, Scott, 105
failure, 254–260
families, 168–174 ; assertiveness in, 42 , 169–174 ; balance in system of, 168–169 , 174 ; child-rearing process in, 169–171 ; mother-daughter relationship in, 171–172 ; practice situations in, 282–283 ; seniors/grandparents in, 172–173
fears: listing and labeling, 126–127 ; SUD scale for assessing, 125–126 . See also anxiety
feasibility of goals, 77
Feeding America, 45
Feeling Better, Getting Better, Staying Better (Ellis), 120
feelings: acknowledging in others, 243 ; expressions of warm, 154 , 157–160 ; getting in touch with, 71 ; venting angry, 191–192 . See also emotions
flexibility of goals, 77–78
Flowers, John, 257
Fodor, Iris, 171
Franklin, Benjamin, 139
Franks, Cyril, 4
Friedman, Meyer, 194
Friedman, Thomas L., 57–58 , 246
friends: enlisting the help of, 264–267 ; relationships with, 162–165
Fromm, Erich, 157
Frost, Robert, 246
Fuller, R. Buckminster, 154
Gandhi, Mahatma, 278
Gates, Melinda, 123
gender differences, 35–39 , 165–166 . See also men ; women
genetics: anger related to, 198 ; shyness related to, 18 , 124
Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, The (Elgin), 94
gestures, 85
goals, 73–80 ; feasibility of, 77 ; flexibility of, 77–78 ; ideals related to, 76 ; personal factors and, 73 , 76 ; priorities determined for, 79–80 ; setting realistic, 146 ; time required to accomplish, 78–79
Goleman, Daniel, 111 , 112 , 160
Goodman, Ellen, 255
grandparents, 172–173
Gray, John, 165
Greenfield, Jerry, 10–11
Greenfield, Sheldon, 273
Grohol, John, 295
ground rules: for meetings, 242
Haney, C. Michele, 137
Hart, Moss, 254
Harvard Business School, 102
Hayes, Steven, 203
health: anger and, 194 , 196 , 199 ; anxiety and, 130–131 ; assertiveness and, 271–273 ; holistic, 271–272
hierarchy of needs, 72
Hispanic/Latino cultures, 52
holistic health, 271–272
Hollandsworth, James, 93
Holmes, Oliver Wendell, Jr., 52 , 278
“How a Friend Can Help” handout, 266–267
How to Fail as a Therapist (Schwartz and Flowers), 257
human community, 276–278
human potential movement, 73
humor, 241
Hunt, Morton, 77
ideals, 76
Impact Publishers, 4
independence, 171–172
indirect aggression, 49–50 , 216
indirect verbal put-downs, 216–217
individual differences, 50 , 95 , 275
inflection, vocal, 87
instant messaging, 107
integrity, 72
interviews, job, 224–226
intimate relationships, 175–185 ; assertive sexuality in, 36 , 180–181 , 182–184 ; expressing feelings in, 177 , 182 ; importance of equality in, 185 ; intimacy vs. sex in, 175–177 ; practice situations in, 284–286 ; sexual communication in, 178–179 , 180–181 ; social issues related to, 179–181
Ireland, Kathy, 161
irrational beliefs, 134
Jacobson, Edmund, 132
Jenkins, Jennifer, 112
jobs: interviewing for, 224–226 ; practice situations related to, 288–291 ; searching for, 223–224 . See also workplace
journal of personal growth, 26–30 ; anxiety exercise, 128 ; assertiveness tracking, 145–146 ; goal setting, 73 , 76 ; guidelines for using, 26 , 28–30 ; sample page, 27
Juárez, Benito, 32
Kabat-Zinn, Jon, 132 , 133 , 202
Kaplan, Sherrie, 273
Kassinove, Howard, 196
Kehoe, Dalton, 91
Keltner, Dacher, 112
kindness, 274–275
King, Martin Luther, Jr., 278
Lager, Fred “Chico,” 11
LaLanne, Jack, 175
Lange, Arthur, 243
Latino/Hispanic cultures, 52
Lazarus, Arnold, 3 , 125 , 127 , 134 , 177
level playing field, 241–242
life experiences, 155
lifemanship, 239–240
Lincoln, Abraham, 52
Linehan, Marsha, 203
listening, 88–90 ; in intimate relationships, 182–183 ; in the workplace, 226 , 230
Longfellow, Henry Wadsworth, 213
Looking for Spinoza (Damasio), 112
Lopez, Steven, 40
love, types of, 157
Mandela, Nelson, 278
manipulation, 274
Marital Myths Revisited (Lazarus), 177
masculinity, 38
Maslow, Abraham, 72
massive multiplayer online role-playing games (MMORPGs), 137
Master Your Panic and Take Back Your Life (Beckfield), 133
McDonald, Allan, 268
Meares, Ainslie, 132
measuring assertiveness, 21–25
medications, antianxiety, 136–137
meditation: anger and, 202 , 203 ; anxiety and, 132–133
men: assertiveness of, 37–39 ; gender gap and, 165–166 ; sexual attitudes of, 184
MentalHelp website, 295
messages, 100–109 ; content of, 92–95 ; methods for delivering, 101–102 ; online, 100–101 , 103–109 ; phone, 103 ; written, 103–107 . See also communication
Middle Eastern cultures, 52
middle-drawer goals, 79
mindfulness practice: anger and, 202 , 203 ; anxiety and, 132–133
models of assertiveness, 76 , 146–147
mother-daughter relationship, 171–172
multiculturalism. See cultural diversity
myths: about anger, 189–194 ; about equality, 35 ; about intimate relationships, 177
Nass, Clifford, 106
nature and nurture, 155–156
needs: clarifying wants and, 70–72 ; journal entries about, 28
Neruda, Pablo, 261
neuroplasticity, 111
niceness, 56–57
Niebuhr, Reinhold, 268
Nin, Anaïs, 110
no-fault solutions, 240
nonassertive behavior: characteristics of, 48 , 49 ; consequences of, 49 , 50 ; examples of, 61–67 ; measuring, 24 ; nonverbal communication and, 82 , 217 ; recognizing your own, 67–68 ; sexual communication and, 180–181
nonverbal behavior, 81–87 ; body posture, 84 ; cultural diversity and, 83 , 84–85 , 94–95 ; eye contact, 83–84 ; facial expressions, 85–86 ; gestures, 85 ; physical distance, 94–95 ; put-downs and, 217–218 ; role-play example of, 82 ; vocal qualities, 86–87
Nonviolent Communication (Rosenberg), 72
Oatley, Keith, 112
Obama, Barack, 184
obstacles to assertiveness, 28–29 , 254–260
O’Keeffe, Georgia, 26
On Becoming a Person (Rogers), 74
one-upmanship, 239–240
online messages, 100–101 , 103–109 ; children and, 108–109 ; tools for writing, 105–107
online resources, 295–296
orbitofrontal cortex (OFC), 111
Our Town (Wilder), 276
overapologizing, 264
panic attacks, 133
paraphrasing, 89
Parent Effectiveness Training (Gordon), 93
Paterson, Randy J., 20
performance anxiety, 222
person-and-situation specific, 50 , 58 , 258
personal boundaries, 51–52
personal factors: in goal setting, 73 , 76
personal growth: behavioral model for, 73 , 74–75 ; journal writing for, 26–30
personal style, 275
phone messages, 103
physical nurturance, 72
Pogrebin, Letty Cottin, 164
political institutions, 43
positive self-statements, 118–120 , 140 , 147
Potter, Stephen, 239
practice situations, 281–294 ; consumer situations, 286–288 ; employment situations, 288–291 ; family situations, 282–283 ; intimate situations, 284–286 ; school and community situations, 291–293 ; social situations, 293–294
priorities: determining for goals, 79–80 ; work vs. personal, 232–233
progressive muscle relaxation, 132
Project Write (Tanabe-Endsley), 127
PsychCentral website, 295–296
psychology resources, 295–296
Psychology Today website, 296
psychoneuroimmunology, 272
psychosomatic reactions, 264
public assertiveness, 277–278
public speaking, 123–124 , 222
punctuation, 106–107
put-downs, 48 , 213–219 ; dealing with, 214–215 , 219 ; direct verbal, 215–216 ; indirect verbal, 216–217 ; nonverbal, 217–218 ; self, 218
random kindness, 275
reaching out, 57
real-world tests, 149
relationships: bridging the gender gap in, 165–166 ; expressing warmth in, 154 , 157–160 ; family, 168–174 ; friendship, 162–165 ; intimate and sexual, 175–185 ; on-the-job, 227–228
relaxation training, 132–133
religious ideals, 43
research on assertiveness, 5–6
resources, online, 295–296
revenge reactions, 264
risky situations, 58–59
Roker, Al, 162
romantic relationships, 51 . See also intimate relationships
Rosenberg, Marshall, 72
Rosenman, Ray, 194
Rosenthal, Howard, 32
ruts, avoiding, 274
schools: assertiveness discouraged in, 42 ; practice situations in, 291 , 292
Schultz, Johannes, 132
Schwalbe, Will, 105
Schwartz, Bernard, 257
self-awareness, 120
self-concept, 51
self-correction, 147
self-disclosure, 177
self-expression: brain and, 111–112 ; tools for, 105–107 ; as universal need, 81
self-help resources, 295–296
self-statements, 118–120 , 140 , 147
self-talk, 134
Send (Shipley and Schwalbe), 105
seniors, assertive, 172–173
sensitivity training, 13
sensory preference, 94
Serber, Michael, 4 , 82 , 87 , 154
serenity prayer, 203
Seville Statement, 53–54
sex education, 179
sexuality: assertive, 36 , 180–181 , 182–184 ; communication styles, 178–179 , 180–181 ; intimacy vs., 175–177 ; personal boundaries and, 51 ; practice situations for, 285 ; social issues related to, 179–181 ; unwanted sexual advances and, 183–184 ; women and, 36 , 183–184 . See also intimate relationships
shaping your behavior, 148–149
Shapiro, Francine, 135
Shipley, David, 105
shorthand, message, 107
Siegel, Daniel J., 112
situations: assertiveness as specific to, 50 , 58 , 258 ; calling for assertiveness, 16 ; examples of responding in, 61–67 ; exercising caution in risky, 58–59 ; writing journal entries about, 28 . See also practice situations
skill deficits, 258
Skinner, B. F., 61
sleep, importance of, 131
social anxiety/phobia, 124
social brain, 155–157
social inhibition, 18
social institutions, 44
Social Intelligence (Goleman), 112
social learning, 156–157
social practice situations, 293–294
social reinforcement, 149–150
sociocultural context, 55
speech: fluency of, 87–88 , 103 ; vocal qualities and, 86–87
spiritual communion, 72
spontaneous assertion, 88
stand-up-for-yourself behavior, 154
steam-kettle myth about anger, 191
step-by-step assertiveness process, 145–151
stress inoculation, 116–117 , 237–238
Stress Owner’s Manual, The (Haney and Boenisch), 137
substance use/abuse, 199 , 206
SUD scale, 125–126
systematic desensitization, 127 , 129
Tafrate, Chip, 196
Tanabe-Endsley, Patsy, 127
Tannen, Deborah, 165
target audience, 94–95
Tavris, Carol, 192
temper tantrums, 264
text messaging, 107
Therapy’s Best (Rosenthal), 32
Thoreau, Henry David, 81
thoughtfulness, 56–57
thoughts: about assertiveness, 90 , 115–116 ; emotions related to, 120 ; methods for handling, 116–120 ; procedures for working with, 120–121 ; related to difficult people, 236–237 ; technique for stopping, 118
Time magazine, 123
Time of Your Life, The (Wheeler), 172
timing of assertiveness, 88 , 229
Toastmasters International, 88
tone of voice, 87
top-drawer goals, 79
Truman, Harry S., 228
trust in yourself, 75
Tutu, Desmond, 278
Understanding Emotions (Oatley, Keltner, and Jenkins), 112
unfinished business, 269–270
Universal Declaration of Human Rights, 33 , 34
unwanted sexual advances, 183–184
venting angry feelings, 191–192
verbal skills, 92
violence: human nature and, 53–54 . See also aggressive behavior
Viorst, Judith, 175
volume of voice, 87
Wainwright, Gail, 118
Walesa, Lech, 278
warmth, expressions of, 154 , 157–160
web resources, 295–296
Weil, Andrew, 131
What Color Is Your Parachute? (Bolles), 223
Wheeler, Eugenie, 172
whistle-blowers, 43
Wilder, Thornton, 276
withdrawal strategy, 240
Wolfe, Janet, 171
Wolpe, Joseph, 3 , 45 , 118 , 125 , 127 , 134
women: assertiveness of, 35–37 , 183–184 ; gender gap and, 165–166 ; sexuality of, 36 , 183–184
workplace, 220–234 ; anger related to, 199 ; assertiveness in, 42 , 221–222 , 226–227 , 230–232 ; dealing with supervisors in, 228–230 ; job search/interviews and, 223–226 ; on-the-job relationships in, 227–228 ; personal priorities and, 232–233 ; situations for practice in, 228 , 229–230 , 231–232 , 233–234 , 288–291 ; supervising assertively in, 230–232
world citizenship, 276–278
written messages, 103–107
you-messages, 93
