SECTION ONE
YOUR CHILDREN WANT TO RUIN YOU
2 You’re Home with the Kid and You Have a Conference Call in Ten Minutes
3 Screens Con: Don’t Let Your Kid Become a PDA-hole
4 Screens Pro: iCan Finally Take My Kid to a Restaurant. Thank You, Angry Birds!
SECTION TWO
BUT SOMETIMES THEY ARE AWESOME
5 How to React if You Think Your Child Might Be Gay (Hint: Celebrate)
6 When Your Kid Is a Different Race/Ethnicity Than You
7 It’s Come to Your Attention That Your Kid Is Merely Average
SECTION THREE
STOP NOT TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT
8 Ten-Second Rule: Pacifier on the Ground
9 How to Sleep In Until Nine A.M. Every Weekend
10 It Only Takes a Partial Village if You Just Have One Kid
11 How to Leave Your Baby in the Car While You Dash into a 7-Eleven
12 Organized Sports Might Be Great for the Kids, but They Suck for You
13 How to Feel Nothing When You Dump Them at Grandma’s for the Weekend/Week/Month/Summer/Ever
14 Free Gear: Get It from Your Selfish Friends
15 This Tradition Must Die: Handwritten Thank-you Notes
16 How to Leave Your Kids to Go on a Business Trip
SECTION FOUR
OTHER PEOPLE ARE HORRIBLE
17 Someone Stole Your Baby Name! aka Ballad of the First Aidan Mom
18 Unspeakable Evil: Private Birthday Party—with a Bouncy Castle—at a Public Park
19 Put a Stop to the Awful Nickname Your Father-in-Law Gave Your Kid
SECTION FIVE
AND SOMETIMES THE ASSHOLE IS YOU
20 How to Drop Off Your Sick Kid at Daycare Before the Teacher Figures It Out
21 Should You Stop Texting if Another Mom Yells at Your Kid?
22 How to Hand Off the Newborn Who Just Filled a Diaper
23 Oh, You Just Had an Epic Meltdown
24 How to Not Hear the Baby in the Middle of the Night
25 Old Moms: Hey, Look Who Had One Good Egg Left!
26 Young Moms: Way to Ruin Your Life Early!
27 Your “Friend” Hired a Bilingual Nanny
28 How to Deal with Moms Who Exercise
29 Single Moms: Sorry, but No One Will Trust You Until You Get Married
30 The Nom at Work Who Thinks Her Dog Is a Child
31 How to Stay Friends with a Nom You Used to Party With
32 “Oh, C’mon, Just Bring Your Kid, It Will Be Fun!”
SECTION EIGHT
YOU AREN’T PARANOID, EVERYONE DOES HATE YOUR BABY
33 Tantrum at a Tar/Wal/K/Sam’s/Mart/Club/Get (or Sears)!
34 Stop Looking for a Great Babysitter and Settle for One Who Shows Up On Time
35 Yes, the Babysitter Is Judging You
36 Motherfucking Babies on the Motherfucking Plane
37 Miss Work Without Saying It’s Because of Your Sick Kid
SECTION NINE
AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS
39 How to Get Rid of a Mom Who Wants to Stay Over During the Entire Playdate
40 “Your Daddy Is a Cheating Fuckbag” and Other Sentiments You Should Keep to Yourself
41 When Strangers Assume Your Long-Haired Boy Is a Girl
SECTION TEN
WE DIDN’T FORGET ABOUT YOU, SH*TTY DADS!
42 He Wants Sex, You Want to Sew Your Legs Shut for Ten Years
43 How to Make Your Husband or Babydaddy Stop Calling Your Son “Bro”
44 Sh*tty Mom Ode to the Stay-at-Home Dad
SECTION ELEVEN
YES, IT’S OK TO HATE THE ZOO
45 Animals That Need to Be Fired from Their Job at the Zoo
46 Worst Children’s Book: The Giving Tree vs. Love You Forever
SECTION TWELVE
SH*TTY MOM: HERE TO HELP
48 When Seeing an Infant Triggers a Mental Illness That Makes You Want to Have Another Baby
49 Rediscover Your Passion for Violent TV, Movies, and Jokes
50 How to Stay Sane During a Horrible News Cycle
51 Play Trains or Dolls with Your Kids Without Sticking Your Head in the Oven